Can I Lysol the Kids??

Not sure if it would be a health risk or if I'd be breaking some law if I Lysol-ed the kids. Hum. I am seriously considering it. Okay, maybe I'm not so serious about that. Maybe.

Finally sent Luke back to school today after 3 days home last week and a good weekend. Emma was very slow to get ready for kindergarten this afternoon. She was fine all morning so I just assumed she was doing what she does best: lollygagging. I finally asked the obvious, "Emma, what is wrong?" and she told me she was so tired and so cold...

Crap.

The quick thermometer is out of batteries so I tried the one that takes forever. She was wiggling around but it still got up to 101.

So today I have a new friend home with me. And I still don't know when I'm going to the grocery store since we had a busy weekend and I was trapped in the house for 3 days last week with my other sick-o.

I've got a busy afternoon planned. Since no one takes care of me if I get sick, I plan to suck on about 20 Vitamin C drops at a time, drink Airborne like water and Lysol the entire house.

Emma and the dogs better take cover.

Darth Vader-ish

Luke had a sick day at home today. When he breathes, he sounds like Darth Vader. Has a cough to go with it. I took him to an Express Health Clinic this morning to avoid the half-day-production at the pediatrician's. Plus I figured if he really was okay, I could still take him to school. The doctor said his lungs are clear and he tested negative for strep (he said his throat really hurts) so the doctor thinks it must be stuck in his throat and gave him an excuse out of school for the next 3 days. Lovely. Not sure which is lovelier - being stuck in his throat or being stuck at home for the next 3 days. ha.

Got the prescription at Target and by the time we finally got back home, it had been 2 hours anyway. So much for avoiding losing half a day.

Luke is my good sick kid. When Emma is sick, she is down for the count. When Luke is sick, well - he is Darth Vader. "Mommmmmmmy!" he says just like Darth Vader as he tries to chase me around. "Luke, you're sick! Stop running!" I say. Then he cracks up laughing and runs some more, which turns into a coughing fit and a dramatic collapse onto the couch.

Mommy might need some margaritas by the time these 3 days are over!!

The Ending That Was Meant To Be

After months of silence, I finally talked to our social worker today. I asked if the kids we fostered had found a new home or if they were with their mom.

They are with their mom.

Because of confidentiality, she couldn't tell me a lot of details. But she did say that after we decided not to adopt them, a few major things happened to the mom that enabled her to better care for the kids. Our social worker said these things were nothing short of miraculous.

She also told me that she is sure that if we would've said yes to adopting them, that they would still be in our care and not hers. She believes that God redeemed this situation and turned bad into good.

I disagree. I think that God's fingerprints are all over this. Beginning to end. I think He is the one who guided us to say no because He knew the mother was going to say yes.

I still wonder how I could've been so wrong.... I thought I had confirmation that we were going to have 2 children this time around. I honestly thought that confirmation was as plain as day. I still remember how excited - and disappointed - I would be when the mom would show up again - and then disappear again. I remember picturing those kids in our family. I had to, or we never would've pressed forward.

But now when I think - I think that maybe I had to have those feelings in order to bring those kids into our home. I never would've fostered. And I mean never. We have talked over and over again how that would be devastating to our kids (and us) if we fostered and had to give the kids back. How could anyone do that???

Well we did it. And it sucked. But we did it. It was hard before they were here, it was hard while they were here, and it's been hard since they left.

But because we were confident this was a call - we answered. And although it wasn't at all what we were expecting - and something that we said we would never do - we ended up doing it anyway.

It really is amazing how God works.

And so now I can be 100% sure that we really were called for just a short time with these kids. The mom did meet with another family and just couldn't go through with it. She kept the kids.

And so we did our part. We took care of the kids for a short time so she could get her life together in whatever miraculous way.

And, amazingly we have experienced blessings through this as well.

Realizing how blessed we are as a family.

Realizing that even when we tell God "no!" - He is still able to work through our stubborn-ness.

Realizing that God's plans really are better than our own.

Realizing that sometimes it really is good to just stop and smell the roses. Right where I am.

Realizing that endings really are new beginnings.

I'm looking forward to FINALLY moving past all this.

SO Funny!!!

Oh my gosh, I haven't laughed this hard in a long time!! The tears are squirting. I loved this song 20 years ago (okay, I still do - shhhh... don't tell!) and to see this spin on it - well, I'm rolling!!

If I knew how to put in a video here.... Hmmmm.... technologically smart I am not.... Oooooo.... did I figure it out?!?!?

Turn up the volume and get ready to laugh - especially if you graduated high school in 1991. Just sayin'.

One of the wonders of the world

Just how exactly does toothpaste get on the base of the toilet???!!!

Maybe some things are better left unexplained....

She shoots, she scores!

Emma had a soccer game today. She doesn't like kicking the ball very much. She loves to run around the field - in a big clump with the other girls - but she doesn't get her foot on the ball very often.

Today, she was left little choice when someone else kicked the ball and it landed right in front of her. She took a quick glance around and realized there was no one else who was closer to the ball. "Kick it, Emma!" Joe and I yell. So she kicks it. She got a big smile. "Kick it again!" we both yell, "Keep going!"

And so she kicked and kicked and kicked - right into the goal! Score! She jumped all around and gave us the thumb's up.

At this age, there are no goalies. So she only had to keep it in front of the other girls. And she did.

Maybe this kicking thing isn't so bad afterall!

It's been a little over 3 months....

3 months have gone by since we had the foster kids. I think about them almost every day. Emma asks about them quite a bit. This has been a long strange trip for all of us.

On one hand, if we didn't think about them it would be strange. We did take care of them for 11 days straight and a few days here and there before then. We took them in and loved on them. We can't now pretend like they never existed in our lives.

On the other hand, when we do think about them, it is strange. Why are we all pining over what could've been when we all know it wasn't meant to be?

Honestly, I'm scared. I'm scared that I missed out on what could've been. I wonder if we missed God's call to take these kids as our own. That really is the thing I think about most.

The crazy thing is - even though this is my consuming thought.... I KNOW they weren't meant to be ours. I KNOW THAT.

It is the hardest thing to explain to myself. I think about what could've been - but I don't miss them. I know that is a terrible thing to say, but I don't. When we were apart from Luke and Emma while we were waiting to adopt them, every day was devastating without them. Life has gone on without these 2 kids in our lives. We are not devastated. I haven't cried much since they left. I don't dream about them, I don't picture my life with them in it, I don't wonder what they're doing.

It's all so bizarre to process in my mind... why do I wonder if we missed God's call if I have peace about them not being here? We would not have that peace if we missed God's call. Unless we were cold-hearted selfish people - which I hope we are not!!

I stumbled across an adoption website the other day. It was about a disrupted adoption plan and the grief cycle. I found it very interesting. This WAS an disrupted adoption plan. We DID have intentions of moving forward. We DID think these kids could've been ours. We DID pursue this adoption with a future of 4 kids in mind. Although nothing legally said they were ever ours - our emotions let us go there.

And then when it was all "over", we experienced grief of what could've been.

The grief cycle has interesting parallels to me over the last 3 months:

1. Denial - "We never could've done this, I couldn't parent that little girl."

2. Anger - "Well if the mom hadn't drug us along, or if the adoption agency would've done things differently...."

3. Bargaining - "Well, maybe we could've done it. If we had done ____, would it have worked?"

4. Depression - "I suck. I couldn't do it. I told way too many people we had these kids and now they're gone and I'm a failure. Why didn't I keep my mouth shut and not tell anyone? I let these kids down, how will they ever grow up and face society knowing grownups just let them down?"

5. Acceptance - "It really will be okay. The kids will be okay, we were only meant to take care of them for a short time. Our family is fine. Great even. God knows what He's doing and He doesn't make mistakes. I might not understand why we had to do this, but I trust it was for a reason. A good reason."

I'd be lying if I said this has been easy. It has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. I don't get it, I have a million questions, and there is that part of me that wonders on a daily basis....

But the bigger part of me knows that God has kept us all in the palm of His hand through all this. He has good plans for all of us - ALL of us. And even though I can't for the life of me figure all this out, I have to trust. And although trust is all I got right now, it's good enough. Better than good actually.

And so I can rest, knowing we answered God's call. And although the ending to this story was not what we were expecting and still don't understand - I know that God has written this story and the ending is just what He wanted.

But sometimes our endings are just His beginnings.... And so I'm looking forward to the next chapter of our lives.