Best. Present. Ever.

So I am guilty of saying a time or two - or twenty six thousand, but who's counting!!! - that, "Sigh... if only I had a palm tree..."

Here in Pennsylvania, winters are miserable.  I could move to Palm Tree Land and be totally content.  There is just something about palm trees that make me happy.  Summer.  Sun.  Sand.  Froo froo drinks with little umbrellas.

Joe and the kids got me the best Christmas present this year.  The kids were so giggly.  "It's just what you've always wanted, mommy!"  I had no clue what to expect.  I was NOT expecting this.

I have a palm tree!   In my living room??!!

In my defense, in the summer we will put it out on the patio.  But for now, maybe it makes me happy.  Every single one of the hundreds of twinkling bright (BRIGHT!) LED lights make me happy.  There.  I admit it.  Hey - I have a palm tree!

 Everyone had to get their pictures with it, too funny.  Just wait for our Christmas Card next year, ha ha ha!

Joe even made me a froo-froo drink.  CHEERS!

Goodbye my old friend

Today was a sad, sad day. My dog died.

I feel so silly saying that, I mean, she was JUST a dog. But she was a part of our family. She was our "first born". We had her way before we had the kids. We spoiled her rotten before the kids came. She went everywhere with me. I talked to her like she could listen. And I think she even answered me sometimes :)

Once we had the kids, things changed. She wasn't my main attraction anymore. The kids required so much of me. And often, I'd have very little left for her. The car rides dwindled. The walks stopped. I yelled at her a lot to leave the kids' toys alone and to quit licking the floor that their bare feet were now walking on.

And yet, she was still there - every day - waiting for me to show her just a little affection.

As the kids grew, the time we spent together came back. The kids started school. I was home. She followed me around. ALL the time. She always knew where I was and I always had to be within her sight. She was getting older - we both were - and she needed that reassurance that I was still there. I was. The petting started again. The walks happened every once in awhile. And when she was lucky enough, I'd even take her for a car ride again. She'd sneak up on the couch with me every chance she got. She was my cuddly friend again.

For 14 years, she was always by my side. We had our rhythm. She knew where I was; I knew where she was. I guess you could say we were BFF's :)

The last month has been up and down. She had a pretty bad spell a month ago, I thought she was leaving me then. But she pulled through and had some REALLY good days. A few bad days, but mostly good. Her habits changed - she had to go outside more often (like several times in the middle of the night) and she had a few accidents in the house. She'd stare at walls and couldn't hear me when I came in the house anymore.

But underneath it all, she was still my pal - she still managed to get up on the couch with me just a few days ago. She'd still follow me around and would always have to be right next to me. And just yesterday, she was up on the table eating the kids' leftover peanut butter. If someone would've told me that yesterday was her last day, I never would've believed it.

I couldn't have asked for a better ending. She had a rough night last night - she was up pretty much all night, pacing around, going outside a LOT. This morning, she went downstairs and never came back up. But we got to say goodbye. Emma and I sat with her, petting her for a long time this morning. She didn't have much strength and I knew what was happening. It was awkward and peaceful all at the same time. I told Emma that we had to go upstairs and get something to eat and we'd check on Maggie in a little bit. Maggie got up to try to follow us but couldn't make it. She laid back down. I pet her one last time and went upstairs. I checked on her a few minutes later and she was gone.

For a 14 1/2 year old dog, that's not too bad of an ending. The vet didn't think she'd make it past a few days a month ago. She made it - and lived the last month like a hobbly old lady, but she didn't curl up and give up. She fought with all she had, she just didn't have any more. At least she got some peanut butter before she went :)

I'll miss you, my old friend. Thanks for the unconditional love. You were a great dog. Even if you licked the floor and ate the peanut butter - and everything else for that matter! - right off the table.

Thank goodness for the dog overlap. Baxter sure is making things easier... But she is really sad and confused too...

I love this picture of my dogs, it is from a long time ago so they look fresh and young! Maggie's pretty black hair turned gray - especially on her face. She had gone through many (ugly) haircuts because her coat had changed and she didn't always let me brush her anymore. Now I can remember her being young :)

But it truly is a sad, sad day.

My kids are finally asking questions

Oddly, Luke and Emma haven't asked much about the other two that were here. After we said goodbye, Luke and I had a moment of a few tears and hugs as we watched them drive away. Joe and Emma hide their emotions much better than we do - but I'm sure they were a bit teary as well.

They literally seemed to forget about them in about 5 minutes.

Instead of having a depressing mood, we decided to set the tone to be as positive as possible when we said goodbye. The night before they left, we had a going away party without really calling it that. We took them to TJMaxx and let them pick out a few outfits and toys. Then we came home and had ice cream, then we sang songs, and then we had movie night with popcorn. We wanted to celebrate that they were here - but we also wanted to say goodbye in a positive way.

When we met the social worker, there was no lengthy goodbye. In fact, the social worker was trying to push it along rather quickly - we did have to slow things down a bit. Everyone hugged and a few tears were shed, but it really wasn't a negative experience.

We explained to Luke and Emma that they couldn't stay with us. I think they got it. They saw the havoc that was being wrecked. But there was still that part of them that wished it could work out.

We all had that little part in us.

After we dropped them off, we had a fun family day. We went to the park and went out to lunch. Luke actually thanked me. "Thank you, mommy, for wanting to take care of us first. I love you! They'll be okay, right?" as he hugged me super-tight.

Fast forward a week and a half and things are getting back to normal. I've finally put away all the baby stuff. There's really no "evidence" left that we had two more kids here. And yet - finally - the questions are starting.

Luke just asked me, "Mommy, do you think she and Emma will get along better the next time we see them?" I answered, "Honey, we're not going to see them anymore." "Oh...like never?" "Yes honey, never." "Oh...Not even for a visit?" "No baby." "Oh...Well, do you think someone else will take care of them then? Maybe someone who doesn't have kids can take care of them because she couldn't get along with me and Emma, right?"

Emma didn't hear this conversation between Luke and I, but she also brought it up. We were in Target and she wanted to buy the baby some clothes. I reminded her we won't see them anymore. She pretty much asked the same questions Luke did. Later she said, "What happened to them before they came to our house?" I said, "What do you mean, sweetheart?" She said, "I mean, why did their mom decide she didn't want them anymore? And how come she decided that?"

I explained to her that I think their mom just wanted a better life for them. That she realized that she couldn't do a good job taking care of them and wanted to find someone who could do a good job.

"Do all birthmothers do that?" she innocently asked.

Oh boy. The conversation suddenly got deep with my 5 year old.

And so I explained that most birthmothers keep their children. I explained that her birthmother wanted a better life for her. "Luke's too?" she asked. "Yes, Luke's too." "Why aren't you a birthmother, mommy?" "I don't know, sweetheart, but I am your mommy now." "I know, mommy. Thank you!" Then she asked if our friend was the birthmother to her dogs. HA!

Thank God for humor in the middle of deep conversations.

I do think the kids get it. I really do. For as much as any of us can really grasp what has happened here.

If nothing else, this has certainly given me a glimpse into the mind of birthmothers. I now know what it's like to walk away and never see children again - all for the sake of wanting what's best for them - and for us.

I could never wrap my head around it before. I barely can now.

It is all still so surreal....

It was the best of times. It was the worst of times.

We had an 11 day visit with the kids. Some moments were pure joy. Most moments were pure hell.

We had more time with them this visit than we had combined with the previous visits. It was devastating to watch the 4 year old girl get out of her honeymoon stage with us. She started wrecking havoc quickly. We were expecting it - poor behavior is "text book" behavior for children who are in this position.

And understandably so. We have been confused and scared over the past almost 6 months as we emotionally sort through this. Are these our children? Would their mom change her mind? It was hard for Joe and I as adults to process all this. How much harder it must be for a child.

We had first hand experience with this text book behavior. We adopted Luke when he was 3. We witnessed a lot with Luke when we first adopted him. So we were expecting it this time as well.

But not to this extent.

She punched Emma in the face, kicked her in her mouth, and shoved her into her into her closet with so much brute force that toys came flying off the shelves. She kicked the dogs. She'd scream any time Luke and Emma tried to communicate with the baby, "He hates you, stop talking to him!" We told our kids to walk away when she started screaming and crying. It didn't work. She'd chase them with her arms flailing - still screaming - to try to tackle them down to get them to do what she wanted.

We were exhausted.

There was always someone crying. We couldn't pull her out of her fits because we had to do damage control instead. We couldn't give anyone what they needed because we felt spread way too thin.

It was devastating.

We really wanted to do it - and we tried. Wow, did we try. We tried until we exhausted ourselves. We prayed. We talked with each other and with friends and family we trust. We talked with our pastor. We talked with another adoption agency who adopts kids out of the foster system and then works with them post-adoption. And then we prayed some more.

Joe's answer was clear. Mine was not.

He knew we couldn't adopt these kids. He knew we had to protect our exisiting family. He knew she needed more than we could give her. He knew that our kids needed more than we were giving them. He knew we needed to protect our marriage.

I knew all that too. But my emotions couldn't kick off.

We have grown to love these kids. We were imagining our lives with them, as a part of our family. I saw glimpses of normal that melted my heart. I took all 4 kids shopping - by myself! - I could handle this logistics stuff. The baby was a gem, and even the 4 year old had her moments of joy. I knew that when we got past her transition period that everything would be okay, just like it was with Luke.

Except sometimes, everything doesn't turn out okay.

Right in the middle of all this, I received an e-mail from a friend who is STILL struggling with post-adoption issues with her son 3 1/2 years later. He never "got over it". Love hasn't been enough for their family, and I couldn't help but wonder if it wouldn't be enough for our family either.

"At what cost?" I started asking myself. A quick look around our home showed me what this visit had done to all of us. We had lost our joy. Luke and Emma were crying and stressed out. Joe looked more exhausted than I had ever seen him before. And when I looked in the mirror, I saw an emotional wreck.

So while poor behavior is expected in this situation, we could not handle the phsyical or emotional harm. We had to protect what has already been given to us - we had to protect Luke and Emma. And our marriage. And our family.

And so we called the adoption agency and told them we could not adopt them.

At what cost? I have guilt about what will happen to them. All I can do is pray that God will protect them. That wasn't meant to be my job. I was not meant to be their mom.

It really was devastating to admit that. We really were in love with the idea of it all. But we are thankful that this visit was so telling, that God was able to guide us so clearly to a decision that is best for our family.

I don't know why we have been on this road for so many months to end up here - at the end of this road, surrendering the kids back to the adoption agency. (No, they weren't legally ours yet.) But I do know that we were called to just a moment with these children... and not a lifetime. And whatever reason that moment was for - well, we are trusting that God had a purpose and that purpose was fulfilled by our obedience to His call. Even if we don't know what that purpose was - He does.

And that takes away the hurt. That hurt is replaced with His peace, the peace that passes all understanding.

We don't often know where we're going - but we know Who we are following. We place our trust in His promises in His Word as we allow Him to guide our steps:

Joshua 1:9
...Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 19:21
Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.


This road might not have been easy or what we expected. But we thank God that He never left us to navigate this journey on our own.

Thank you, Jesus. Joy and peace are already back in our home.

A Mother's Day to Remember

I'm usually not one to get all gaga about holidays. I used to - but Joe's not one to go over the top with these things. So I've gotten used to the more low key side of holidays. But this year - God had a BIG surprise in store for my Mother's Day celebration.

My Mother's Day was doubly blessed. We had the joy of fostering two children this weekend. Now joy and fostering are not two words that I ever thought to put together. Neither have I ever thought that word would be put to practice in this house. I always thought it would be too hard on the kids (and us) to bring a child into our family and then to let that child go away again.

But God is full of surprises! He never fails to knock my socks off - and life is never quite what I expect. Ironically, it's always better than I imagine. Way better.

Let me back up. 15 months ago, we decided to pursue newborn adoption. Here in the United States this time. Adopting here is way different than adopting internationally. Adopting internationally is a matter of WHEN. Adopting here is a matter of IF. There are no guarantees we'd ever get a baby. Typically, the birthmother chooses adoptive families and if we never got chosen - well, we'd never get chosen.

So there was no point in telling people we were adopting again since it might never happen.

4 months ago, our adoption agency called. We had been chosen! But wait. It wasn't a pregnancy situation. They have never had this situation before - there was a mother who was thinking of placing her 4 year old and her less than 1 year old for adoption. She wasn't sure she could do it, but she wanted to talk with us. Were we open to this?

We said we were - we are always firm believers that God will shut doors - so we moved forward in faith. I talked with her on the phone and we made arrangements for us all to meet.

It was very awkward. When we first met Luke and Emma, they were ready to be adopted. When we met these kids, they were with their mom. There really are no words to describe it all.

After that initial meeting, we met a few more times. Then they disappeared. The mom wasn't showing up for her appointments and wasn't returning the adoption agency's calls. We all assumed she changed her mind. We weren't surprised, which is why we didn't tell many people about our "plans" - we just didn't think it would happen. And then when it didn't happen, we were glad we hadn't told many people. Kind of like an adoption miscarriage, I guess.

We thought the door had closed.

But then she came back. Weeks later, she came back. She surprised everyone. We never thought we'd hear from her again. But she walked right back into the adoption agency saying she wanted to go through with the adoption. So the legal ball started rolling again.

But then she disappeared again.

Last week, she showed up again. She again told the adoption agency she wanted to move forward with the adoption again. So the adoption agency suggested a foster care arrangement, where we could both see if this might work.

And this time she didn't walk away. 3 days after she came back to the adoption agency, we went to the agency - and our lives changed forever. She kissed them goodbye and we buckled them into carseats in our van, took them home, and fostered them this past weekend.

Our lives will never be the same.

These children are troubled children. Their mom is doing the best she can, but she is single and is stuck in a cycle of poverty and missed opportunity. She admits that herself. She loves them but wants a better life for them, which is why she struggles so much with this decision.

But all those troubles aside, we took them in and loved them this weekend. We shared our family with them, we tucked them in at night, and I even kissed a boo-boo. We got a few hugs and a few smiles. We had some conflict and we had some joy. We had some confusion and we had some peace.

It was amazing.

Now they are back with their mom and I can't imagine what she is thinking. This has got to be very hard for her.

I don't know what we're thinking either. Yes, we have taken ourselves to the place where this could turn into a potential adoption for us. The kids all got along amazingly. Luke and Emma miss them like crazy already. Don't get me wrong - there were some issues that will need to be worked out as we all get adjusted. But the instant bond they all shared was really something. Having 4 wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. We honestly had a lot of fun!

But then the other side of me wonders - could we do this? Could we bring these children into our family? How difficult would the adjustment period be? How will two more kids impact Luke and Emma? They are our first priority since they are already here - we've got to protect them first and foremost.

Not to mention what their mom is thinking. Could she really walk away and place their futures in our hands??

This is all very complicated emotionally.

But I am so thrilled to have had this opportunity - even if it was only for a moment.

And God will definitely let us know if it is meant to be a lifetime.

In the meantime, I am having sweet memories of the pittar patter of 8 little feet around here. These cute stinky yummy little feet.



And I'm wondering if Emma's room will ever be the same again. ha.

Emma's adoption story

Tonight at bedtime, Emma was a chatterbox. That is nothing new. But her conversation certainly was.

Let me back up just a bit... Luke was having a really rough night. Tears and drama and you don't love mes and I'm the worst boy evers and on and on.... I really have no idea where this drama comes from. They were told it was time to put their toys away. They didn't; so they didn't get a bedtime snack or story.

Emma compliantly (for once) brushed her teeth and got ready for bed. Luke started with the no one loves me drama. We try to stay calm when he does that; getting worked up does nothing for the attitude around here. So while he was screaming his head off about no one loving him and why don't we just give him away and he is the worst boy ever, we just calmly said things like - "We love you so much. Forever and ever. We are never getting rid of you. There is nothing you could do to make us love you any less. We always love you no matter what."

On a side note - I honestly have no idea if this is a 7 year old thing or if this is an adoption "side effect". He has had a lot of questions about his birthmother and his past lately. I think he is still trying to figure out how we will never give him up if she did....

Anyway. After we calmed him down - it only took about 30 minutes this time - we all prayed together as a family, just as we always do. Joe went to tuck in Luke and I stayed with Emma.

And here is what she said to me:

Mommy, you are the best mother ever. When I was in Guatemala, I COULDN'T STAND IT! (Yes, she emphasized those words.) I needed a mother. I thought I was going to lay there forever. And then the next day, you came, and I said "Oh good. Finally. A mother." And you said, "Oh good. A baby." But then you had to leave. And the next day you came back after you were crying and said "I went to a different state to adopt a baby named Luke but now I am back to adopt a baby named Emma." And Luke needed a mother and I needed a mother and then you came and now you are the best mother ever. Do you want to snuggle?

And that's the way it happened. According to Emma and her 4 year old wisdom :)

Poot

I recently had a birthday. I won't say which one :) Joe took the kids shopping and they each picked out flowers and a card for me. Luke picked a card that plays music: "Who let the dogs out". I guess that never gets old. ha. Emma picked a card with a cat on it (she loves cats).

They both signed their cards. Luke wrote, "I love you mommy, Love Luke". Emma said to Joe, "I want to write 'I love you mommy' too". Joe said, "Okay, do you know how to spell it?" and she said, "Yes".

Now I'm sure Joe was thinking, "Wow, Amy sure is working with her, she can spell that?" Emma drew a picture inside the card - you know, the people who have legs coming right out of their head! - and then wrote, "Poot Emma".

I opened the card and said, "Poot Emma?" and she said, "No mommy, it says, I love you from Emma."

So Poot = I love you.

Then we were even more hysterical when we really listened to the card Luke got me.

"Who let the dogs out? Poot. Poot. Poot. Poot."

tee hee.....