To everything there is a season

There's this funny thing about life:  it goes on.

I almost forgot that I have a blog.  Life from a few years ago, frozen in time.  Stories that I am so glad I put into words - still there.  Waiting for me, reminding me of what was. 

How did life fast forward?  Why did I stop typing?

Both questions demand answers, yet I don't know.

If only I could rewind.  Slow things down.  Then hit the pause button.  Record the million things that have happened in the last few years that I now struggle to recall.

Instead, I sit in front of my life on a screen reading and pondering and remembering.  Those days so long ago seem so fresh again.  To have those days again.....  You know, people warned me of this:  "Enjoy this time, the days go so fast!"  To which I would think, "Yeah right, I haven't showered yet today and do you know how much laundry I have done?!?  How can I enjoy that?!?"

Some things have changed; some have stayed the same.  Some things have gotten harder; some things have gotten easier. We have all gotten older, and maybe not any wiser.  Through it all, though, life goes on.

Life goes on. 

Whether I record the details or not, life goes on.
Whether I appreciate life's current season or not, life goes on.
Whether I wish I could slow down time or hurry it up, life goes on.

As life continues to go on, I hope that I remember to record some details again.  Because sometimes, just sometimes, we are able to grab that pause button just for a little while and remember where we have been.  Where we have come from.  And see a little glimpse of where we are going.

To everything there is a season. I want to live them all.

Dear Teenage Me

Dear Teenage Me,

It's me.  Do you recognize me?  Probably not. I'm a little more wrinkly than you, a little wiser than you (sorry, I know you think you know everything) and a little older than you.  But it's still me.  And you.  Kind of mushed together into one morphed me.

I wish I could tell you that those things you're going through - you know, those things that seem so important and life-changing! - really are not that important.  Sorry.  I hate to minimize what you're going through.  But it's okay that you have to go to your senior prom with just a boy friend, not a boyfriend.  I know you wish you had a boyfriend, but you'll find him.  He's already in college, you'll meet him shortly after you get there.  And he's it.  I mean IT.  Eventually he'll ask you to marry him and you'll say yes.  Don't worry about those other boys that do or don't ask you out.  They're just temporary.

I know you wonder if your mom will ever stop being such a pain in the butt.  The truth is, she will grow to be your best friend.  She really does love you.  A lot.

Those girls that you wonder if they are friends or not?  They're not.  Your high school is so small and you've run out of friends. That's okay.  You won't see them again.  22 years from now, you will still never see them again.  When you get to college, you are going to meet amazing friends that will stick with you throughout your life.

You'll also meet new friends when you are a grown up.  Good friends.  Friends who don't care what clothes you are wearing, what car you are driving, and whether you smoke (you don't) or you drink (you do, but just every once in awhile).  They will be there for you.  No matter what. 

Some of these friends you will meet at church.  Yes, you go to church. In fact, you even like it!

When you get married, you will get an apartment and really ugly furniture.  I mean REALLY UGLY.  Unfortunately, this furniture is made really well and it just won't wear out. For like 16 years.  Please do not buy it.  That hot hunky guy that you met in college who has now been your husband for 16 years will not let you get new furniture because there is nothing wrong with the old stuff.  He won't get rid of his socks with holes in them either.  Just giving you a head's up.  Be careful what you buy, you will be stuck with it a LONG time.

After living in the tiny apartment for a year, you will buy a house.  It isn't the biggest house or the nicest house, but it will be your home.  Many times over the years, you will wonder if you should buy another house.  Stick with it. It will turn into your home.  And there is no place like home.  It helps when you're not even 40 and you have your mortgage paid off too.  Kind of like the cherry on top.

You will go through all the normal life stuff.  You'll get a job.  You'll be a financial advisor.  You'll really like it, but you'll never be really successful at it.  That's okay.  What the world defines as successful (making a lot of money) isn't what will be important to you.  You will get more satisfaction out of knowing you have helped someone.  And you will.  Several times over. 

Dealing with those jerks in high school really do prepare you for real life.  One thing your mom is wrong about - people aren't mean to you because they are jealous of you.  People are mean because they are jerks.  There are lots of jerks in this world, unfortunately.  As you grow up, you will learn to walk away from them.  You can do that.  Life is way bigger than your high school.

You will get a cat.  Then a dog.  You'll travel a bit.  Then it will be time to start thinking about having kids.  Yep, you will grow up and want to start your own family.  I wish I could keep you from the pain you are about to experience.  Unfortunatly, even with help from the doctors, you will not be able to have kids.  It will devastate you.  Your husband too.  It will be the most stressful thing you will ever face.  You will feel like you are barely hanging on to a spinning, crazy world where everyone else has babies.  I mean, they just pop them out like *poof*.  For 7 years you will go through pure hell on earth.  But it will not rip you and your husband apart, thank God.

Once you come to terms with what life has thrown at you, and you go through many, many tears, you will decide to adopt.  Let me tell you something - it is NOT SECOND BEST!!  Oh my goodness, you will adopt twice and your kids will be AMAZING.  And yes, they will be YOUR kids.  You also get to travel around the world since your son will be from Russia and your daughter will be from Guatemala.  You love to travel.  And you love kids.  When you first lay eyes on these children, you will know without a doubt that you were meant to be together.  Without a doubt.

You will then retire and stay at home full time as a mom.  You will wonder what your college degree is good for as you are reduced to a house-cleaner, butt-wiper, taxi-driver and chef.  Do it anyway.  It is the best thing you could do for your family.  They really do appreciate it, even if they don't always tell you that.  Plus your kids grow up so fast.  SO fast.

You know how you're always missing the bus?  Apologize to your dad.  He takes you to school every day and you know it bugs him.  Try to give yourself 5 extra minutes.  It doesn't get any better as you get older and you will get so annoyed with yourself that you are late for everything.  Again.  Your dad doesn't mean to yell at you every day, but you know he hates to be late.  And maybe he is trying to help you to break this habit.  Thank him for that.

Enjoy your grandma.  She dies before you have kids and you will miss her terribly.  You two have always had a special bond.  Spend as much time as you can with her.

Don't be afraid to be you.  Stop trying to act like everyone else just to be cool.  It would be boring if we were all the same anyway.  Soon enough, you will be appreciated for being YOU.   It's okay to be you.  Honestly. It is okay to be you.

Get some length on your skirts and shorts.  I don't mean you have to look Amish, but really.  I know your legs are all cute and skinny, but you do not need to barely cover your butt to look good.  Your mom is not old fashioned when she says to leave something to the imagination.  She's got a good point.  You will understand that so much more when you have a daughter.  Trust me on this one.

Nothing that you go through is a waste of time.  You can learn from your mistakes, grow from your experiences and look forward to tomorrow while appreciating today.  Time does go by fast.  I know you can't wait to be a grown up but it will come soon enough.  I know you are at a crossroads in your life where you look like a grown up but still feel like a kid.  That's okay.  It's all a part of growing up. 

Trust your parents, they really do have your best interests at heart.  I know you think your friends are much cooler than your parents but they don't love you like your mom and dad do.  Your mom and dad would do anything for you.  Anything.  Love them back.  You'll be glad to have them as you become an adult.  Really.

Hang in there, your teenage years are almost over.  You'll make it!  The best is yet to come.
Love,
Me

It's been a little over 3 months....

3 months have gone by since we had the foster kids. I think about them almost every day. Emma asks about them quite a bit. This has been a long strange trip for all of us.

On one hand, if we didn't think about them it would be strange. We did take care of them for 11 days straight and a few days here and there before then. We took them in and loved on them. We can't now pretend like they never existed in our lives.

On the other hand, when we do think about them, it is strange. Why are we all pining over what could've been when we all know it wasn't meant to be?

Honestly, I'm scared. I'm scared that I missed out on what could've been. I wonder if we missed God's call to take these kids as our own. That really is the thing I think about most.

The crazy thing is - even though this is my consuming thought.... I KNOW they weren't meant to be ours. I KNOW THAT.

It is the hardest thing to explain to myself. I think about what could've been - but I don't miss them. I know that is a terrible thing to say, but I don't. When we were apart from Luke and Emma while we were waiting to adopt them, every day was devastating without them. Life has gone on without these 2 kids in our lives. We are not devastated. I haven't cried much since they left. I don't dream about them, I don't picture my life with them in it, I don't wonder what they're doing.

It's all so bizarre to process in my mind... why do I wonder if we missed God's call if I have peace about them not being here? We would not have that peace if we missed God's call. Unless we were cold-hearted selfish people - which I hope we are not!!

I stumbled across an adoption website the other day. It was about a disrupted adoption plan and the grief cycle. I found it very interesting. This WAS an disrupted adoption plan. We DID have intentions of moving forward. We DID think these kids could've been ours. We DID pursue this adoption with a future of 4 kids in mind. Although nothing legally said they were ever ours - our emotions let us go there.

And then when it was all "over", we experienced grief of what could've been.

The grief cycle has interesting parallels to me over the last 3 months:

1. Denial - "We never could've done this, I couldn't parent that little girl."

2. Anger - "Well if the mom hadn't drug us along, or if the adoption agency would've done things differently...."

3. Bargaining - "Well, maybe we could've done it. If we had done ____, would it have worked?"

4. Depression - "I suck. I couldn't do it. I told way too many people we had these kids and now they're gone and I'm a failure. Why didn't I keep my mouth shut and not tell anyone? I let these kids down, how will they ever grow up and face society knowing grownups just let them down?"

5. Acceptance - "It really will be okay. The kids will be okay, we were only meant to take care of them for a short time. Our family is fine. Great even. God knows what He's doing and He doesn't make mistakes. I might not understand why we had to do this, but I trust it was for a reason. A good reason."

I'd be lying if I said this has been easy. It has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. I don't get it, I have a million questions, and there is that part of me that wonders on a daily basis....

But the bigger part of me knows that God has kept us all in the palm of His hand through all this. He has good plans for all of us - ALL of us. And even though I can't for the life of me figure all this out, I have to trust. And although trust is all I got right now, it's good enough. Better than good actually.

And so I can rest, knowing we answered God's call. And although the ending to this story was not what we were expecting and still don't understand - I know that God has written this story and the ending is just what He wanted.

But sometimes our endings are just His beginnings.... And so I'm looking forward to the next chapter of our lives.

Restitution

I took the kids to Staples tonight. Luke needed a few school supplies for his open house tomorrow. While we were there, they both asked me for a few things. Luke wanted a silly pen, Emma wanted a pack of pens, and they both wanted miniature multi-colored post-it notes. I said yes to all of their requests and we headed to the other side of the store to look at a few things I needed.

When we got to the register, I told the kids to put their stuff on the counter. I paid, and we left.

Got in the car and Luke asked for his stickies. I said, "Emma, do you want yours, too?" and she looked at me for a second and said, "Yes." I dug through the bag but could only find one pack of stickies.

"There's only one pack in here. Emma, did you put yours on the counter?"

"Yes"

"Oh. Well maybe they're still on the counter or they fell on the floor in the store because they're not in here. Do you want to go back in and get them?"

"No. Let's just go home."

"Are you sure? Honey, let's go back in and get them. I know how badly you wanted them."

"No, that's okay, let's just go home. Maybe we'll find them in the bag when we get home."

"No honey, they're not in here. Wait, let me check the receipt to see if he charged us for 2." I check the receipt. "No, there's only one on here. Let's go back in and get them."

"No, mommy, I just want to go home."

So we leave. We are almost home and she says, "Uh, mommy?"

"Yes Emma"

"Um, my stickies are here."

"What do you mean?"

"My stickies. They're here. I have them."

"Do you mean you have Luke's stickies?"

"No, I have my stickies."

"Emma, we don't have your stickies."

"Uh, yes we do, they're right here in my car seat."

"Emma, how did you get your stickies?"

"Um. Um. I took them from the store."

"Emma, you stole the stickies?"

"No. I just had them in my hand and forgot to put them on the counter."

"Emma, you didn't have them in your hand when we left the store."

"Yes I did. I had them hiding behind my back."

"Emma! You stole the stickies! Honey, we don't steal!"

Luke chimes in: "Emma, you can't steal. The store is going to call the police and you're going to go to ju-ve."

(I didn't even know he knew that word.)

"Emma, we are going back to the store so you can tell them what you did and give them back."

"NO! MOMMY, NO!"

"Yes, Emma. You cannot steal. Mommy was going to buy them for you, why didn't you let me just buy them? If you really forgot to put them on the counter, why didn't you just tell me you had them when I was looking in the bag? Honey, we could've gone back in the store and bought them. What were you thinking?"

Silence.

"Emma, when we get to the store, you are going to talk to the manager."

"NO! Not the MANAGER! What's a manager, mommy?"

"The guy in charge of the store. You're going to apologize to him, pay him for the stickies and then give the stickies back to him."

Silence again.

The stickies were on sale this week. For a whopping $0.50. They could've been a penny. That's not the point. We don't steal. We don't hide things behind our back as we're walking out of the store. We right our wrongs. We admit our mistakes (or bad choices). We apologize. We make restitution.

The Bible has a much harder stance on restitution than the dictionary does. The Bible says we should give the stolen property back - and 20% more. Because Emma doesn't understand percentages - nor did I think that math would make a difference here - I decided she would pay the $0.50 AND give the stickies back to the store.

"But I don't have any money!" She tried to argue.

"You can pay me back when we get home."

When we got to the store, I went back to the register and asked the kid if we could talk to the manager. He asked me if there was a problem and I just said we needed a manager. He paged him. He came to the front of the store and said, "Is there a problem, ma'am?" (How am I a ma'am??? I digress....) I said, "She has something she needs to tell you."

He looks at Emma. Emma looks up at him. "Yes?" he says to her.

"Um... Um.... I forgot to put this up on the counter when mommy was paying."

"And?" I prompt her.

"And I hid it behind my back when we were leaving the store."

"Oh" says the manager, "That's not very good..." and he glances at me. I nod my head and he looks back at her. "Emma, what else do you want to tell the man?"

"I'm sorry," she said. "I forgive you. I appreciate you telling me," he said.

"What else, Emma?" I prompt again.

"I want to give you this money." She reached her little hand up to his and placed the two quarters in his hand.

"Thank you, I really appreciate that," says the man.

"And here are the stickies. Mommy says I can't have them today. Maybe another day." and she handed him the stickies.

"Thank you. You made a good choice coming back here tonight. Thank you so much for telling the truth."

"Are you going to call the police?" asks Luke.

"No, I am not going to call the police, I am just glad you did the right thing. Thank you young lady!"

He shook her hand and we left the store.

My heart was pounding for her. I was a nervous wreck for her. But I knew it was the right thing to do. And I'm hoping it was a lesson learned. I was really proud of how she handled herself, and I let her know that.

When we got home, I called my parents. I told them what happened and they assured me I did the right thing. In fact, my mom said she stole a piece of gum that cost a penny when she was a little girl and my grandma did the same thing with her. She said she never forgot that lesson - and never did it again.

I knew I liked that lady!! Who knew I'd grow up to be just like my grandma. What a blessing considering how much I loved her!

I cannot for the LIFE of me figure out why Emma did this. I said I'd buy it for her!! Why did she sneak it out of the store?!? I may never know, but I hope that she has learned a life long lesson.

Thank you, Staples Guy. You helped to teach an important lesson. Thank you for your understanding of the importance of this - and thank you for the grace you showed my daughter.

That was easy.

Sorry, couldn't resist ;)

Closure. In the Most Unexpected Way.

God certainly likes to surprise me. Not even 24 hours after I was struggling so badly with whether or not we did the right thing, I got closure. Finally. I can now put this all behind me with no regrets.

I found a pair of the little girl's sandals in Emma's toybox. I had no idea if she would need them or not. We are almost out of sandal season, but - if she was still with her mom, I figured she might need them. But if she was with an adoptive family, I figured she wouldn't need them. So yesterday, I e-mailed our social worker to ask if she wanted me to send them to her.

The response I got surprised me:

You can toss the sandals. Things are better in the mom’s world, which trickles down to the kids.

My mind went nuts. Is the mom going to keep them? So I e-mailed back and asked if she was. Then I walked away from the computer and went to take a shower.

While in the shower, a thought popped into my head. 'Maybe she was never going to give them up for adoption after all. Maybe the kids needed to come here so she could get herself back together so she could care for the kids again. Maybe the reason we had to say no was so that we didn't say yes - and then have them taken from us. Maybe God was protecting our family - while helping the kids and their mom.'

I had NEVER thought about things from that perspective before. My thoughts have always centered around, 'What will happen to the kids? Did we let them down? Did we make the right decision for them - and for us?'

Just as I had that new thought, a sunbeam came through the skylight in the bathroom. Not an unusual occurance - BUT - yesterday was a rainy, dreary day. I hadn't seen the sun before then - and I didn't see it again for HOURS after that.

Just a simple, glorious sunbeam. Kind of like a God smile.

At that moment, I said outloud, "I don't know why this all had to happen, God, but you do. You know."

Later I checked my e-mail again. The social worker's response:
Only God knows.

Wow.

Honestly, I could 'what if' this situation all day long. Believe me, I have - for 6 weeks now. But whether I was given some sort of insight - or whether that smiling sunbeam was just to let me know that God IS taking care of us, and things DID have to happen the way that they did, and we ARE under His protection - I'll never know.

But I do know that God does hear our prayers, and answers them in the most unexpected ways.

Walking with God is never what I expect.

But it is definitely always so much more than I could ever imagine.

My kids are finally asking questions

Oddly, Luke and Emma haven't asked much about the other two that were here. After we said goodbye, Luke and I had a moment of a few tears and hugs as we watched them drive away. Joe and Emma hide their emotions much better than we do - but I'm sure they were a bit teary as well.

They literally seemed to forget about them in about 5 minutes.

Instead of having a depressing mood, we decided to set the tone to be as positive as possible when we said goodbye. The night before they left, we had a going away party without really calling it that. We took them to TJMaxx and let them pick out a few outfits and toys. Then we came home and had ice cream, then we sang songs, and then we had movie night with popcorn. We wanted to celebrate that they were here - but we also wanted to say goodbye in a positive way.

When we met the social worker, there was no lengthy goodbye. In fact, the social worker was trying to push it along rather quickly - we did have to slow things down a bit. Everyone hugged and a few tears were shed, but it really wasn't a negative experience.

We explained to Luke and Emma that they couldn't stay with us. I think they got it. They saw the havoc that was being wrecked. But there was still that part of them that wished it could work out.

We all had that little part in us.

After we dropped them off, we had a fun family day. We went to the park and went out to lunch. Luke actually thanked me. "Thank you, mommy, for wanting to take care of us first. I love you! They'll be okay, right?" as he hugged me super-tight.

Fast forward a week and a half and things are getting back to normal. I've finally put away all the baby stuff. There's really no "evidence" left that we had two more kids here. And yet - finally - the questions are starting.

Luke just asked me, "Mommy, do you think she and Emma will get along better the next time we see them?" I answered, "Honey, we're not going to see them anymore." "Oh...like never?" "Yes honey, never." "Oh...Not even for a visit?" "No baby." "Oh...Well, do you think someone else will take care of them then? Maybe someone who doesn't have kids can take care of them because she couldn't get along with me and Emma, right?"

Emma didn't hear this conversation between Luke and I, but she also brought it up. We were in Target and she wanted to buy the baby some clothes. I reminded her we won't see them anymore. She pretty much asked the same questions Luke did. Later she said, "What happened to them before they came to our house?" I said, "What do you mean, sweetheart?" She said, "I mean, why did their mom decide she didn't want them anymore? And how come she decided that?"

I explained to her that I think their mom just wanted a better life for them. That she realized that she couldn't do a good job taking care of them and wanted to find someone who could do a good job.

"Do all birthmothers do that?" she innocently asked.

Oh boy. The conversation suddenly got deep with my 5 year old.

And so I explained that most birthmothers keep their children. I explained that her birthmother wanted a better life for her. "Luke's too?" she asked. "Yes, Luke's too." "Why aren't you a birthmother, mommy?" "I don't know, sweetheart, but I am your mommy now." "I know, mommy. Thank you!" Then she asked if our friend was the birthmother to her dogs. HA!

Thank God for humor in the middle of deep conversations.

I do think the kids get it. I really do. For as much as any of us can really grasp what has happened here.

If nothing else, this has certainly given me a glimpse into the mind of birthmothers. I now know what it's like to walk away and never see children again - all for the sake of wanting what's best for them - and for us.

I could never wrap my head around it before. I barely can now.

It is all still so surreal....

It's been a week and a half...

It's hard to believe the kids were here just a week and a half ago. It seems much longer ago. The last 11 days have been really long. I've been thinking a LOT. I've been praying a LOT. And I've been confused. A LOT.

I know we made the right decision for our family. I know that. But a part of me can't help but wonder, "What if..."

The past 6 months we have been preparing ourselves that these kids could be a part of our family. It was a long - and CRAZY! - road. But we moved forward in faith, despite all the craziness encountered. I was always afraid that we may not see them again. I thought their mom would change her mind.

I never thought we would.

If I hadn't lived through it myself, I never would've understood it. Never. Not much of this journey makes sense. Why did the mom go to our adoption agency and pick us? Why did all 4 kids have a supernatural bond the first time they met? Why did we continue to pursue the adoption if it wasn't meant to happen? Why did the mom disappear - and come back! - so many times if it wasn't meant to be? Why did things always feel so natural when we were all together - until this last time? Why did I have dreams that it did work out - and then have dreams that it didn't?

Why? Why? Why?

I am an anayltical person by nature. I am constantly asking why and trying to figure things out. This has thrown me for a loop. I just don't get it.

All along, we have said we didn't know if we were being called for a moment or a lifetime with these kids. Obviously, we were meant for a moment. We can only hope that this moment wasn't wasted.

I do believe with all of my heart that we WERE called for this moment. I don't know why. But I trust that God does. It's driving me nuts that I don't get it. But that's part of faith. Trusting even when things don't make sense.

And while I question if this moment was wasted, deep down in my heart I know it wasn't. We serve a God that knows what He's doing. No doubt.

I've been all over the map emotionally. I've been grateful that God directed us so clearly. I'm thankful that Joe never waivered in his decision and was able to stand firm to protect our family. I've been sad, glad, regretful, hopeful, guilt-ridden, unashamed, emotionally drained and emotionally lifted - sometimes all at one time.

Having adopted twice before, we "just knew" that Luke and Emma were meant to be our children. We didn't feel that way with these kids. Yes, we loved them. Yes, we cared for them. Yes, we opened our hearts, our family, and our future to them.

But once we spent all those days together, we realized we felt more like babysitters than parents. And quite frankly, we don't want to babysit for the rest of our lives - we want to be parents.

Quite often in my life, things don't turn out the way I expected or imagined. So many times throughout this journey, we were thrown twists and turns. I can't say that anything over the last 6 months would've been what I expected or imagined. And certainly, this isn't the ending I was expecting.

But God promises that despite circumstances, He works for the good of those who love Him. I believe that. I know that. And I trust that.

And for that, I am grateful.

It was the best of times. It was the worst of times.

We had an 11 day visit with the kids. Some moments were pure joy. Most moments were pure hell.

We had more time with them this visit than we had combined with the previous visits. It was devastating to watch the 4 year old girl get out of her honeymoon stage with us. She started wrecking havoc quickly. We were expecting it - poor behavior is "text book" behavior for children who are in this position.

And understandably so. We have been confused and scared over the past almost 6 months as we emotionally sort through this. Are these our children? Would their mom change her mind? It was hard for Joe and I as adults to process all this. How much harder it must be for a child.

We had first hand experience with this text book behavior. We adopted Luke when he was 3. We witnessed a lot with Luke when we first adopted him. So we were expecting it this time as well.

But not to this extent.

She punched Emma in the face, kicked her in her mouth, and shoved her into her into her closet with so much brute force that toys came flying off the shelves. She kicked the dogs. She'd scream any time Luke and Emma tried to communicate with the baby, "He hates you, stop talking to him!" We told our kids to walk away when she started screaming and crying. It didn't work. She'd chase them with her arms flailing - still screaming - to try to tackle them down to get them to do what she wanted.

We were exhausted.

There was always someone crying. We couldn't pull her out of her fits because we had to do damage control instead. We couldn't give anyone what they needed because we felt spread way too thin.

It was devastating.

We really wanted to do it - and we tried. Wow, did we try. We tried until we exhausted ourselves. We prayed. We talked with each other and with friends and family we trust. We talked with our pastor. We talked with another adoption agency who adopts kids out of the foster system and then works with them post-adoption. And then we prayed some more.

Joe's answer was clear. Mine was not.

He knew we couldn't adopt these kids. He knew we had to protect our exisiting family. He knew she needed more than we could give her. He knew that our kids needed more than we were giving them. He knew we needed to protect our marriage.

I knew all that too. But my emotions couldn't kick off.

We have grown to love these kids. We were imagining our lives with them, as a part of our family. I saw glimpses of normal that melted my heart. I took all 4 kids shopping - by myself! - I could handle this logistics stuff. The baby was a gem, and even the 4 year old had her moments of joy. I knew that when we got past her transition period that everything would be okay, just like it was with Luke.

Except sometimes, everything doesn't turn out okay.

Right in the middle of all this, I received an e-mail from a friend who is STILL struggling with post-adoption issues with her son 3 1/2 years later. He never "got over it". Love hasn't been enough for their family, and I couldn't help but wonder if it wouldn't be enough for our family either.

"At what cost?" I started asking myself. A quick look around our home showed me what this visit had done to all of us. We had lost our joy. Luke and Emma were crying and stressed out. Joe looked more exhausted than I had ever seen him before. And when I looked in the mirror, I saw an emotional wreck.

So while poor behavior is expected in this situation, we could not handle the phsyical or emotional harm. We had to protect what has already been given to us - we had to protect Luke and Emma. And our marriage. And our family.

And so we called the adoption agency and told them we could not adopt them.

At what cost? I have guilt about what will happen to them. All I can do is pray that God will protect them. That wasn't meant to be my job. I was not meant to be their mom.

It really was devastating to admit that. We really were in love with the idea of it all. But we are thankful that this visit was so telling, that God was able to guide us so clearly to a decision that is best for our family.

I don't know why we have been on this road for so many months to end up here - at the end of this road, surrendering the kids back to the adoption agency. (No, they weren't legally ours yet.) But I do know that we were called to just a moment with these children... and not a lifetime. And whatever reason that moment was for - well, we are trusting that God had a purpose and that purpose was fulfilled by our obedience to His call. Even if we don't know what that purpose was - He does.

And that takes away the hurt. That hurt is replaced with His peace, the peace that passes all understanding.

We don't often know where we're going - but we know Who we are following. We place our trust in His promises in His Word as we allow Him to guide our steps:

Joshua 1:9
...Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 19:21
Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.


This road might not have been easy or what we expected. But we thank God that He never left us to navigate this journey on our own.

Thank you, Jesus. Joy and peace are already back in our home.

Stuck in a revolving door

There have been many times in my life when I feel out of control. This is one of those times. I kid myself to think that I am actually in control - ever! - of my life. I mean, really. If I claim Christ as my Savior and I've given my life to Him, isn't He now in control of my life? Yes. But.... that sinful human nature of wanting to be in charge is still there.

And so I control what time my kids go to bed. I control what they eat for breakfast. I control when the house gets cleaned, how the money gets spent. Where we go on vacation.

Of course there are things I can't control. But that doesn't stop me from bellyaching about these things in an "if I controlled the world" kind of way. All the rain we've been getting. Gas prices. World peace. (Or lack thereof.)

And then sometimes there is a real potential life-changing zinger that gets thrown my way and I'm just left feeling completely out of control.

It happened all those years ago when we wanted to start a family and couldn't. The world started to spin uncontrollably as we watched every one else in the world have babies. I was the only one in the world barely hanging on by the tips of my fingernails as everyone else went along their merry way diapering their newborns.

We had a momentary derailment in Russia while we were adopting Luke. Before we met Luke, we had met another child who we knew was not meant to be our child. All the white coats in the orphanage knew it too - but they just talked a lot of Russian words we didn't understand as they looked at us pitifully. Although we again felt like we were barely hanging on - God resolved that situation quite quickly and the rest is history....

When Emma was 15 months old, she got sick. Really sick. When we were in the ER and I heard them say, "The life flight is not available, we've called an ambulance to transfer her" I thought I was going to have a heart attack right there. I couldn't breathe. Again, I was barely holding on.

The good news is - when I can barely hold on, I am thankful to know that the Holder of Tomorrow IS holding on. Holding onto tomorrow - but more importantly, holding onto us.

I am so, so thankful for Jesus!

I am once again at a point in my life when I am way out of control. We have been working on a potential adoption situation for 4 months now. I am fondly calling it my revolving door. It is the strangest situation. One that I never would've thought of, dreamed of, asked for.

At times it looks like the adoption is going to work out. As quickly as we think that, it looks like it won't work out. I give up hope that it will, and then a spark of hope reignites that it might.

Round and round we go. And then around again.

I often wish I could have a glimpse of the future. But if God would've told me this ahead of time - I probably wouldn't have chosen this route. But He did choose this for us. And miraculously, we are walking with faith steps. Not having a clue where we are going. But not being scared, because although we don't have a clue where we are going to end up - He does. And we definitely trust Him.

Sometimes God calls us to walk a road that is windy and doesn't make sense. And the end of that road might not be what we ever expected or imagined. Yet He promises to bless our socks off if we follow Him.

And so we follow. Wherever this journey ends up, I believe with all my heart that we are meant to be on this journey right now. Even if it means the adoption doesn't work out, it means He was working *something* out. And He used us to do so.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." - Hebrews 11:1

Times like these I can live those words. I hope that I am.

Head vs. Heart Fight

I struggle with contentment. There. I said it. I wish I had this contentment thing mastered. I've studied Scripture. I know that I should have contentment in God alone. But I get so distracted with the ways of the world, so caught up in the materialism whirlwind that our society has created.

And I admit, I fall prey.

I shouldn't. In my 15 years as a financial advisor, I saw people struggle. I saw the way the world spends money. I saw the way debt overcame people, how it became such a normal way of life that it didn't matter that they were up to their eyeballs in debt and didn't know how to get out.

On the other hand, I've seen people with money. They have the big house. The fancy cars. They could get everything their hearts desired. And yet they were still missing something. All that money couldn't fill up the hole in their hearts that only God can fill.

In Scripture I see people who have nothing. Nothing but God. And yet they are content. Even Soloman in all his splendor - in all his wealth - realized that all that was meaningless and all he needed was God.

I know all that in my head - yet I still struggle with it in my heart.

Joe drives a 1996 Ford Taurus. It is time for a new car. Or is it? It still drives. It isn't in the greatest shape but it works. Do I really want to drop $20,000+ just because it is a 1996?

We're getting crowded in this house. I have a bad habit: looking at bigger houses. I look online. Go to open houses. Do I really want to spend how many tens of thousands of dollars because we're getting a bit comfy here?? Maybe we should just cuddle instead. :)

So then I think maybe we should build an addition. Or at least a patio. That would give us more living space. But again - we'd probably face a debt of bookoo bucks.

What about a new lawn mower? Ours is really old. A shed would help with the storage problems around here. New furniture would be nice.

Can't I just be content???

Is it okay to want to make the best of what we've been given? But at what cost??

Should I be content with the 1996 car that has lasted longer than it should? Is our old furniture fine? How old is too old for a mower? A patio would be nice....

I know we are all faced with financial decisions every day. We've got to balance our needs, our wants and our over-the-tops with the amount of money we've saved. Yes, I do save money for these kind of things - but I certainly can't afford everything I think about!

Because the bottom line is: God has given us all a certain portion to manage for Him. It's all His money anyway. I don't have the money tree in the backyard that I can just go pick when I want something. I've got to balance our wants, our needs and our over-the-tops.

What's most important, I guess???

I honestly believe when we make financial decisions that are pleasing to God, He will provide. I teach others that; yet I struggle with it myself.

Kind of reminds me of an episode of Hoarders. A woman was an inspirational speaker and spoke on how to make your life less stressful. Then she went home to a stressful MESS.

Interesting how easy it is to tell others what to do, but yet we struggle to listen ourselves.... I suppose we could ALL do a better job of making God-pleasing decisions. The world pulls us one way but God tells us there's a better way.

I'm thankful that although I struggle with financial contentment I am able to take a step back before I act. And I rarely do act out. Praise God. I realize a sin is a sin is a sin - even if my sins are in my head. But I am thankful beyond belief that in my weak moments I don't overspend and put us in debt.

I'm thankful for my financial advisor background where I could see the ways of the world and the damage those ways cause first-hand. I'm thankful for my Bible study background where I have raked over the Scriptures to see what they say about money. And I'm thankful that God has blessed me with enough self-control to not act on my thoughts.

But if I could just clear my head of this nonsense, that would be great. Maybe the first step is to cuddle with my family or take a drive in the 1996 ride.

No... probably not the 2nd option. ha.

Oh what a night!

We had a busy night. Luke had a hockey game and then I had a meeting at church. There was a half hour between the two, so I could do both. The only problem was: dinner. Joe would be on his own with the kids and I would have to grab on the go. So we decided to do pizza. We'd pick up one after the game, I'd grab a couple pieces and we'd be on our separate ways.

Sounds easy enough. Of course it wasn't.

I thought I'd eat in the car while parked. I didn't want to attempt eating pizza while driving. I had pizza on a napkin in one hand and a bottle of water in the other. I couldn't get the water open so I put it between my legs to "hold" it so I could free up a hand to open it.

So with pizza in one hand, I open the bottle with my free hand. Except when I opened it, my legs squeezed it. There was water everywhere. And I mean everywhere where I was sitting. It looked like I peed my pants!!! My jeans were soaked, the seat was soaked.

So I set my pizza down on the passenger seat (why didn't I think of that earlier???)and wondered what to do. So I got a napkin and started wiping. Except the napkin was soaked in 2 seconds flat. I knew I didn't have time to go home and change.

So I cranked up the heat and blasted it right towards me. I tried putting the vent towards the seat - and my pants - but it was more of a blast right in my face. So I had to prop myself up on the seat with my feet up on it, so I could get the heat where I needed it to dry.

So I finished eating my pizza kind of squatting on the seat like a frog, while I got blasted with hot air. It worked. By the time I got to my church meeting, my wet pants were hardly noticable.

Okay, they weren't noticable at all - but I could still notice it. Just a bit. ha. But I sat through that meeting with no one having a clue that my pants had just been soaked.

A few hours later....

I get home from the meeting in time for the kids' bedtime routine. I'm reading a story to Luke and he says, "Mommy, I have this strange bump on the back of my head." I check, it's a tick. Ugh.

The kids were in the woods yesterday but I didn't even think to check because we haven't had many warm days and I didn't think those little suckers were out yet. Now one is stuck to Luke's head. ACK!

So I take him to the bathroom and set him up bending over the sink so I can remove this goofy thing. I hop on the internet to see if there are any secrets to removing ticks. "Just make sure you get the whole thing out." all these sites say, "Remove a tick by grasping its head and not its back or else you might not get it all out."

I'm looking at this tiny wiggling tick wondering how on earth anyone could tell if they were grasping the head or the back. All I can see is a black dot with legs.

So I grasp it with tweezers. It won't come. I tug a bit harder. Out comes half of it. There is still a black dot stuck to Luke's head. I broke off the head in Luke's head. Crap.

At this point, I start to freak. Joe and I have both had Lyme's Disease. It was the worst both of us have ever felt. We never found our ticks. We found a tick on Emma a couple years ago but the doctor removed it. She's never had any Lyme's symptoms.

So now it's Luke's turn. It's 9:10 at night, I just broke a tick in two, and I am freaking out because I don't want this miniature monster to give my baby Lyme's Disease!!

I call Med Express. I know they close at 9:00 but I'm hoping by the grace of God someone answers. Nope. I call the ER. I ask if I should bring him in and they tell me they can't answer that, I need to talk with our pediatrician. I remind them it is 9:00 at night and I won't be able to talk with her until the morning. "Nope," they say, "Pediatricians are on call all night. Give her a call."

Oh great. Now I need to bother the pediatrician at night. She returns my call in 20 minutes and tells me to take him to the ER. Off we go. It's now 9:30. On a school night. And we are just heading to the ER.

When they check in Luke, the nurse tells me, "You should've just left it attached, it's much easier for us to remove it when it's not broken in half." Um, thanks lady. A little late for that!

So we wait. And wait. And wait. Did I say wait? 2 hours later, the doctor takes 2 seconds to remove the stupid thing. And we are sent home.

So I guess the lesson of the day is - don't try to open a bottle of water while holding it in your legs or your baby will have a tick break off in his head.

Or something like that. ha.

This training up stuff would be so easy if they weren't sinners!!

I have already failed at my new-found parenting techniques.

Saturday night. "Time to put your toys away and get ready for bed" Joe says to the kids. They are suddenly deaf. Emma doesn't even flinch and Luke starts dancing around singing some crazy song.

Remembering Dr. Leman's words that you talk to a child in the way you expect them to act, I say, "I know you guys know how to be good listeners, let's show daddy what good listeners you can be by putting your toys away right now!"

Luke rolls his eyes and goes back to singing. Emma is still completely deaf.

I try Dr. Leman technique #2. Walk away. When the dirty little sinners act up, you are supposed to walk away. When they don't listen and obey, they don't get what they ask for either. So I had it in my mind that when they would ask for a bedtime snack and story, the answer would be no.

I walked away.

The toys do not put themselves away and by now it is turning into chaos. They think they have scored a victory - and I think I am ready to hit the ceiling.

I can't stay calm anymore. I get a garbage bag. A big one. I say, "Well if you are not going to clean up, I will. Say goodbye to your toys that you're not putting away." I start putting things in my bag.

Luke starts to cry. "Well I guess I'll never play with any of my toys ever again. EVER again. I'll just sit on a chair all day and do nothing. NOTHING!" Reality check: he didn't have all of his toys out - only a few. You still have some in your room, kid! How about playing with those tomorrow? Nope. Drama.

Emma has the nerve to say, "Hey mommy, if you're throwing toys away, how about this one too?" She goes to her room and brings me something. "I don't think I want this one anymore anyway."

Push. My. Buttons!!!!

Where's the chapter on this in my parenting book? I know it has to be there somewhere.... I can't find it. Nuts.

They finally calm down and beg for a second chance. Good, I think. Great lesson here. God always gives second chances so we will too. I tell them, 'It is time for bed now, but if you put your toys away first thing in the morning, I will not throw them away.'

The next morning, I am in the shower. Emma sticks her head in the bathroom to tell me good morning. Before I am out of the shower she pokes her head back in and says, "We are all done, mommy. I even woke up Luke and all of his toys are put away too." Luke then chimes in, "And our beds are made!"

Beautiful. We even made it to church on time - early even. Minor miracle. We are headed for a good day.

Not so fast.... Bad decisions and lying are the theme of the day. One after another after another. Are you kidding me??? With each one, we think we are out of the water. Apology, a promise to never ever lie again. Sincere repentance. Then another lie within the hour.

Exhausting!

What should I expect, though? I mean really. The very first human beings struggled with this very behavior. Amy's new living translation to follow :)

"Don't do that."
"Okay."
"What did you do?"
"Nothing!"
"I already know what you did, do you want to tell the truth now?"
"It wasn't me, it was her!"

Is this Adam and God - or me and my kids??? It's hard to tell.

The sermon in church yesterday was about Moses and the 10 commandments. The Israelites were dirty little sinners too. More of Amy's new living translation:

Moses: "Hey everyone, God gave me these cool commandments."
People: "Oh awesome! We can do what God says. Afterall, he just took us through the Red Sea and delivered us from Egypt. God rocks!"
Moses: "I'm going to go up on the mountain and talk to God for a bit. Be good!"
People: "Okay, we will. Listening to God is the best thing!"

A little while later...
People: "Hey, let's make a golden cow and worship it."
Other people: "Holy cow! You are so awesome!" (Just realized I said holy cow! HA! Wonder if that's where the saying comes from??)

A little while later...
Moses: "What are you doing? One of the 10 commandments was 'No other gods.' What is wrong with you people?"

Who knows what the people said - I think he heard a bunch of excuses like:
"Well we got bored and had nothing else to do."
"The statue acidentally made itself." (Just like the rocks accidentally throw themselves around here.)
"It wasn't me."
"What statue?"

Sigh.... I don't know why I expect my kids to be any different than Adam, the Israelites - or me. We are all dirty little sinners. God must be in a constant stage of frustration with all of us.

I can only hope that as we do our best to train our dirty little sinners UP that they begin to WANT to make good decisions. That they begin to let God work in them and through them. That they want to do the right thing, even if they find themselves "doing things I don't want to do" - as Paul said in the New Testament.

Thank God the blood of Jesus covers our sins. Thank God the Holy Spirit makes us want to turn from our sins. Praise God for His forgiveness and mercy.

Thank God for second chances. And third chances - and 200th chances. Unfortunately, we all need them.

I'm sick of SICK!

Joe got very sick this week. We are waiting on the results of bloodwork, but we are pretty sure it is Lyme's Disease. I had it 4 years ago and his symptoms were the same as mine - mainly, he has never felt worse in his life. Thankfully, he is MUCH better after being on his antibiotic.

For the past week or so, Emma has been coughing. She also had a low-grade fever last Friday and had some kind of stomach bug (coming out the other end quite frequently, if you know what I mean). Thought we got past that bug because she has been normal for a few days.

But today she decided to throw up all over the place. Ick. She woke up at 8:00 this morning, very chatty and in a great mood. Within the hour, she had no energy, told me her belly hurt - and then - blah. Literally. Ugh. Then did it again in the car on the way to the doctor's.

Did I mention that when I came home tonight (after running to the mall for maybe an hour) my dog left me a "present" in the bathroom??? Oh joy! She is getting old and doesn't always have accidents in the house - but does on occassion. I guess I should be happy she chooses to do it in the bathroom.

What is God trying to teach me this week? My life is a toilet? I need more patience? Hum, I'm not quite sure....

There is always hope

We found out last night about a local teen suicide. I am devastated. I don't personally know the boy, but my heart aches for his parents. I don't know them either, but as a parent..... well my heart is crushed for them.

I remember when I was a teenager. The world was one heck of a roller coaster and at times I felt like I was just barely hanging on. So many emotions, problems, issues all crammed into an adult-sized-body that is quite hormonal - but yet still a child.

Looking at things from a different perspective now - from a parent's point of view - it is hard to fully grasp how to let the kids know that they are "okay". That they are more than okay. That it doesn't matter what others think, that God made them special and they don't have to change who they are to be cool, and that their friends really aren't that smart and they don't have to listen to them.

Did I care what my parents thought when I was a kid? Quite frankly, not really. I was much more worried about what my peers thought. How does parental influence go from being the center of a child's world to being the last thing on that child's list?

I see it happening already. Our son is in 1st grade and he is already bringing home "bad habits". He lays in bed at night and will tell me the ins and outs of school, what So-And-So was doing, and how he can't do it as well as they can and how that's not fair and it makes him feel bad.

Every night my answer is the same: "You are special. God made you - YOU! He did not make you So-And-So. There are certain things that only you can do for God, and no one else will be able to do those things as well as you can. We just have to figure out what that is. God does have plans for you. They are big plans and they are good plans. And He needs you to be just who you are in order for those plans to happen."

Typically at the end of that conversation, he will say, "Thank you mommy, you are the best! I love you so much!"

I will never get tired of having that conversation. I just hope he starts to believe me. I want him to know without a shadow of a doubt that God is good - and that there is always hope in Jesus.

No matter what is going on in this crazy roller coaster world.