My kids are finally asking questions

Oddly, Luke and Emma haven't asked much about the other two that were here. After we said goodbye, Luke and I had a moment of a few tears and hugs as we watched them drive away. Joe and Emma hide their emotions much better than we do - but I'm sure they were a bit teary as well.

They literally seemed to forget about them in about 5 minutes.

Instead of having a depressing mood, we decided to set the tone to be as positive as possible when we said goodbye. The night before they left, we had a going away party without really calling it that. We took them to TJMaxx and let them pick out a few outfits and toys. Then we came home and had ice cream, then we sang songs, and then we had movie night with popcorn. We wanted to celebrate that they were here - but we also wanted to say goodbye in a positive way.

When we met the social worker, there was no lengthy goodbye. In fact, the social worker was trying to push it along rather quickly - we did have to slow things down a bit. Everyone hugged and a few tears were shed, but it really wasn't a negative experience.

We explained to Luke and Emma that they couldn't stay with us. I think they got it. They saw the havoc that was being wrecked. But there was still that part of them that wished it could work out.

We all had that little part in us.

After we dropped them off, we had a fun family day. We went to the park and went out to lunch. Luke actually thanked me. "Thank you, mommy, for wanting to take care of us first. I love you! They'll be okay, right?" as he hugged me super-tight.

Fast forward a week and a half and things are getting back to normal. I've finally put away all the baby stuff. There's really no "evidence" left that we had two more kids here. And yet - finally - the questions are starting.

Luke just asked me, "Mommy, do you think she and Emma will get along better the next time we see them?" I answered, "Honey, we're not going to see them anymore." "Oh...like never?" "Yes honey, never." "Oh...Not even for a visit?" "No baby." "Oh...Well, do you think someone else will take care of them then? Maybe someone who doesn't have kids can take care of them because she couldn't get along with me and Emma, right?"

Emma didn't hear this conversation between Luke and I, but she also brought it up. We were in Target and she wanted to buy the baby some clothes. I reminded her we won't see them anymore. She pretty much asked the same questions Luke did. Later she said, "What happened to them before they came to our house?" I said, "What do you mean, sweetheart?" She said, "I mean, why did their mom decide she didn't want them anymore? And how come she decided that?"

I explained to her that I think their mom just wanted a better life for them. That she realized that she couldn't do a good job taking care of them and wanted to find someone who could do a good job.

"Do all birthmothers do that?" she innocently asked.

Oh boy. The conversation suddenly got deep with my 5 year old.

And so I explained that most birthmothers keep their children. I explained that her birthmother wanted a better life for her. "Luke's too?" she asked. "Yes, Luke's too." "Why aren't you a birthmother, mommy?" "I don't know, sweetheart, but I am your mommy now." "I know, mommy. Thank you!" Then she asked if our friend was the birthmother to her dogs. HA!

Thank God for humor in the middle of deep conversations.

I do think the kids get it. I really do. For as much as any of us can really grasp what has happened here.

If nothing else, this has certainly given me a glimpse into the mind of birthmothers. I now know what it's like to walk away and never see children again - all for the sake of wanting what's best for them - and for us.

I could never wrap my head around it before. I barely can now.

It is all still so surreal....

It's been a week and a half...

It's hard to believe the kids were here just a week and a half ago. It seems much longer ago. The last 11 days have been really long. I've been thinking a LOT. I've been praying a LOT. And I've been confused. A LOT.

I know we made the right decision for our family. I know that. But a part of me can't help but wonder, "What if..."

The past 6 months we have been preparing ourselves that these kids could be a part of our family. It was a long - and CRAZY! - road. But we moved forward in faith, despite all the craziness encountered. I was always afraid that we may not see them again. I thought their mom would change her mind.

I never thought we would.

If I hadn't lived through it myself, I never would've understood it. Never. Not much of this journey makes sense. Why did the mom go to our adoption agency and pick us? Why did all 4 kids have a supernatural bond the first time they met? Why did we continue to pursue the adoption if it wasn't meant to happen? Why did the mom disappear - and come back! - so many times if it wasn't meant to be? Why did things always feel so natural when we were all together - until this last time? Why did I have dreams that it did work out - and then have dreams that it didn't?

Why? Why? Why?

I am an anayltical person by nature. I am constantly asking why and trying to figure things out. This has thrown me for a loop. I just don't get it.

All along, we have said we didn't know if we were being called for a moment or a lifetime with these kids. Obviously, we were meant for a moment. We can only hope that this moment wasn't wasted.

I do believe with all of my heart that we WERE called for this moment. I don't know why. But I trust that God does. It's driving me nuts that I don't get it. But that's part of faith. Trusting even when things don't make sense.

And while I question if this moment was wasted, deep down in my heart I know it wasn't. We serve a God that knows what He's doing. No doubt.

I've been all over the map emotionally. I've been grateful that God directed us so clearly. I'm thankful that Joe never waivered in his decision and was able to stand firm to protect our family. I've been sad, glad, regretful, hopeful, guilt-ridden, unashamed, emotionally drained and emotionally lifted - sometimes all at one time.

Having adopted twice before, we "just knew" that Luke and Emma were meant to be our children. We didn't feel that way with these kids. Yes, we loved them. Yes, we cared for them. Yes, we opened our hearts, our family, and our future to them.

But once we spent all those days together, we realized we felt more like babysitters than parents. And quite frankly, we don't want to babysit for the rest of our lives - we want to be parents.

Quite often in my life, things don't turn out the way I expected or imagined. So many times throughout this journey, we were thrown twists and turns. I can't say that anything over the last 6 months would've been what I expected or imagined. And certainly, this isn't the ending I was expecting.

But God promises that despite circumstances, He works for the good of those who love Him. I believe that. I know that. And I trust that.

And for that, I am grateful.

It was the best of times. It was the worst of times.

We had an 11 day visit with the kids. Some moments were pure joy. Most moments were pure hell.

We had more time with them this visit than we had combined with the previous visits. It was devastating to watch the 4 year old girl get out of her honeymoon stage with us. She started wrecking havoc quickly. We were expecting it - poor behavior is "text book" behavior for children who are in this position.

And understandably so. We have been confused and scared over the past almost 6 months as we emotionally sort through this. Are these our children? Would their mom change her mind? It was hard for Joe and I as adults to process all this. How much harder it must be for a child.

We had first hand experience with this text book behavior. We adopted Luke when he was 3. We witnessed a lot with Luke when we first adopted him. So we were expecting it this time as well.

But not to this extent.

She punched Emma in the face, kicked her in her mouth, and shoved her into her into her closet with so much brute force that toys came flying off the shelves. She kicked the dogs. She'd scream any time Luke and Emma tried to communicate with the baby, "He hates you, stop talking to him!" We told our kids to walk away when she started screaming and crying. It didn't work. She'd chase them with her arms flailing - still screaming - to try to tackle them down to get them to do what she wanted.

We were exhausted.

There was always someone crying. We couldn't pull her out of her fits because we had to do damage control instead. We couldn't give anyone what they needed because we felt spread way too thin.

It was devastating.

We really wanted to do it - and we tried. Wow, did we try. We tried until we exhausted ourselves. We prayed. We talked with each other and with friends and family we trust. We talked with our pastor. We talked with another adoption agency who adopts kids out of the foster system and then works with them post-adoption. And then we prayed some more.

Joe's answer was clear. Mine was not.

He knew we couldn't adopt these kids. He knew we had to protect our exisiting family. He knew she needed more than we could give her. He knew that our kids needed more than we were giving them. He knew we needed to protect our marriage.

I knew all that too. But my emotions couldn't kick off.

We have grown to love these kids. We were imagining our lives with them, as a part of our family. I saw glimpses of normal that melted my heart. I took all 4 kids shopping - by myself! - I could handle this logistics stuff. The baby was a gem, and even the 4 year old had her moments of joy. I knew that when we got past her transition period that everything would be okay, just like it was with Luke.

Except sometimes, everything doesn't turn out okay.

Right in the middle of all this, I received an e-mail from a friend who is STILL struggling with post-adoption issues with her son 3 1/2 years later. He never "got over it". Love hasn't been enough for their family, and I couldn't help but wonder if it wouldn't be enough for our family either.

"At what cost?" I started asking myself. A quick look around our home showed me what this visit had done to all of us. We had lost our joy. Luke and Emma were crying and stressed out. Joe looked more exhausted than I had ever seen him before. And when I looked in the mirror, I saw an emotional wreck.

So while poor behavior is expected in this situation, we could not handle the phsyical or emotional harm. We had to protect what has already been given to us - we had to protect Luke and Emma. And our marriage. And our family.

And so we called the adoption agency and told them we could not adopt them.

At what cost? I have guilt about what will happen to them. All I can do is pray that God will protect them. That wasn't meant to be my job. I was not meant to be their mom.

It really was devastating to admit that. We really were in love with the idea of it all. But we are thankful that this visit was so telling, that God was able to guide us so clearly to a decision that is best for our family.

I don't know why we have been on this road for so many months to end up here - at the end of this road, surrendering the kids back to the adoption agency. (No, they weren't legally ours yet.) But I do know that we were called to just a moment with these children... and not a lifetime. And whatever reason that moment was for - well, we are trusting that God had a purpose and that purpose was fulfilled by our obedience to His call. Even if we don't know what that purpose was - He does.

And that takes away the hurt. That hurt is replaced with His peace, the peace that passes all understanding.

We don't often know where we're going - but we know Who we are following. We place our trust in His promises in His Word as we allow Him to guide our steps:

Joshua 1:9
...Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 19:21
Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.


This road might not have been easy or what we expected. But we thank God that He never left us to navigate this journey on our own.

Thank you, Jesus. Joy and peace are already back in our home.

They're here

The kids are here. We are a week into a 10 day visit. Things are different this time. I am emotionally exhausted and we are definitely getting a glimpse of what life would be like with a traumatized 4 year old. Wow. She is pulling out all the stops. The baby is a gem. He is too young to have any of this affect him I guess. She has some serious issues to work through. Which we knew having already adopted a 3 year old. We've been-there-done-that. However, when we did that, we didn't have other kids to worry about. And we were 5 years younger.

This poor child. To have been through who knows what in her short 4 years. She didn't ask for - or deserve - any of this. In many ways, she acts like a teenager. In other ways, she acts younger than her age. Overall, I think she needs to be regressed and given the chance to start her childhood over, with a clean slate.

I'm not sure we're the people to do that.

But maybe we are.

When God calls, he calls the ordinary to do extraordinary things. Moses had a speech problem - and God called him to be a speaker. Noah was really old when he started building the ark. (Imagine how those knees must've ached!) Mary was a simple, unmarried girl who said yes to being the mother of Jesus. Paul was a dirty little sinner who hated Jesus and he ended up writing the majority of the New Testament.

Not sure what God is calling us to do with these children. Maybe it is what we have already done. Reach out to them and plant a seed. Maybe it is more than that. Since we are not sure, we are praying for a clear direction.

Crystal clear, please.

The visit that didn't happen

We were supposed to have the kids for a week long visit this week. All was well, until I met the social worker on Monday. The kids were with her, they were ready to come to my house. Luke and Emma were ready for a visit too.

And then I saw it. L-I-C-E. Ugh.

We knew they had it, I found them at the end of their visit here last week. I have been crazy all week. I mean CRA-ZY. We have done treatments just in case, I have scrubbed, vacuumed, bagged, tried every home remedy possible, and I've been combing through Emma and my hair like it's been nobody's business.

Thankfully, we have been spared. My head will never forgive me, but I don't care.

Unfortunately, the other kids are completely covered. How sad. Devastating, actually.

I have googled my brains out this week. The good news is - lice isn't a death sentence. They honestly pose no threat, they're just a nuisance. Not sure that I believe that, but that's what the experts in Google Land say.

I am now an expert on the life cycle of lice. Not something I ever wanted to add to my resume.

I guess we were fortunate to know we could've been infected before that life cycle exploded on our heads. Because we did the treatment right away, I'm sure we caught anything that could've been.

The other two kids aren't as fortunate. Their mom said she treated them - twice - and didn't know why they weren't clean. When our social worker asked more questions, it turns out she has no vacuum and no laundry facilities so she can't stop the problem. No matter how clean a head is - if you lay back down on the same pillow, the cycle starts all over again.

Our old pillows are in the garbage. She can't afford new pillows. Even if she could, she has no way to wash the pillow cases every night in hot water and dry them on high heat for at least 20 minutes. Yes... I said I am now a lice expert.

So after we found the lice, the social worker tried treating them. It wasn't working out so well. We went to a hair salon. Silly me, I thought they could treat us all and we could move on with our visit. Nope. That's against the law. Of course it is. But there was an extra nice stylist who put on some disposable gloves (different ones for each of us) and dug through our heads. Outside. She confirmed that Luke, Emma, and I were clean - but the other 2 were infested. She freaked out mildly and said, "You cannot have these kids interacting, the other 2 will be infested in no time flat."

And so we stood there in the parking lot wondering what to do. Part of me knew I couldn't bring them home. I knew I couldn't purposely throw Luke and Emma in harm's way.

But the other part of me just wanted to take them home, clean them up and make everything all better.

The social worker put them back in her van, apologized and said she promised she'd clean them up the next time they come. But she had to take them back home.

All 3 kids start to cry. (The baby was of course clueless.) They're all begging for this visit to happen. We tried to explain we would see each other again and we just couldn't visit right now. But they were all sad and confused.

I was too. And since everyone else was crying, I joined in.

It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. How could putting the key in the ignition, turning it, and putting the van in reverse be so hard? I could see her little face behind the tinted window of the social's worker's van. It was pressed up against the glass and she was waving like crazy.

My kids were crying, pushing their faces up against our glass, and waving back.

I was just trying to figure out how to get the tears gone so I could actually see out of my sunglasses. No wonder that stupid van wouldn't go in reverse. I couldn't even see reverse.

So now we wait. Again. I guess we should be getting good at this waiting thing by now. But somehow it still isn't easy...

Yes, the social worker could've had them cleaned up and ready to go again within a few days, but we are coming up on our vacation so we took the precaution to postpone another interaction until after we get back. I really didn't want to take lice with us on vacation. And I REALLY need a vacation.

I'm looking forward to frilly drinks in a big fishbowl-sized glass while enjoying the white sand and swimming with dolphins.

Sounds like heaven right about now.

Emma's garden party

We celebrated Emma's 5th birthday a week early today. We usually have her party as close to her birthday as we can, but we have a lot going on next weekend so... it's never too early for a party!

We had a garden party with her friends. My kids give me a theme that they want for their birthdays and then I think. And I google. I probably google more than I think to be honest. Then the party planner in me goes nuts... I totally love planning birthday parties for my kids! I mean - Love. It.

When she first said she wanted a garden party, I didn't know what to do besides plant flowers. Emma came up with some ideas. I did too :) - and we had a pretty good garden party if I do say so myself!

It was a total girl party. We had a ton of crafts. We made butterfly necklaces, snakes and spiders. We painted birdhouses. For a long time. I'm so used to Luke flying through everything even remotely craft-oriented. To see those girls take their sweet time painting, getting every detail worked out... It was amazing. I always thought it was an age thing - nope, 5 year old girs can really take their time!


They planted flowers. How cute that they actually put on the apron and gloves.

The nametags got a little wet from the watering but still served their purpose...


I only did snacks but I had lots to pick from. My favorite plate full of snacks was one of Emma's friends who put 3 gumballs on her plate and one pretzel stick. I tried to explain that she could take the whole cup of trail mix, but she insisted she just wanted one pretzel stick. Too cute.


Those are fruit flowers. And yes, they were hard to do! The flowers kept falling apart when I poked the skewer through them.

I named all of the foods to go with the garden theme. I guess that was more for my entertainment since preschoolers can't read! Maybe I get into this party stuff a bit too much??



Cupcakes with pinwheels stuck in them. Now that's talent. ha. If the wind blew lightly, they all spun around and looked really cute. However, there were a few wind gusts that made me a bit nervous - I was picturing them all blowing onto the ground because the pinwheels would REALLY spin then! Thankfuly, all made it.



Chow Mein Noodles covered in melted butterscotch chips with jelly beans as eggs. Stolen idea from the internet :)

Of course we sang happy birthday and had cupcakes and ice cream.


Emma was the first one to pull a string on the pinata and she pulled it open the very first try. I put bouncy balls in it - whoops, they were bouncing everywhere.


And we played some games...

Dig for Bugs (plastic ones in the sand table)

Pin the tail on the bunny was Emma's idea. She was so proud to paint the bunny and make the tails.

Fill up the Watering Cans Race... Which worked out really well - when they were full, the spouts started sprinkling. I didn't even test that ahead of time, it was perfect.

Wheelbarrow Races (also Emma's idea)

We also played butterfly hopscotch and plant the flower (we turned a frisbee into a flower and they had to throw it into the pot).

Most of the girls were from her preschool. The sad thing is, we won't see them again. They've already graduated from preschool and everyone is going to kindergarten at different schools. How sad. Our school district is really big (we have 11 elementary schools) so they won't come together again until junior high. Will they even remember each other by then?

These girls have been her life for 8 months now - but life goes on. Of course I don't want her to stay in preschool forever - I mean, I don't - really I don't! Well, okay, maybe just for a little longer..... Isn't ironic how whatever life is at the time, you think that's all there is. All Emma knows right now is preschool and these friends. Of course life is so much bigger than that! Wait until she sees that!

Oh wait, I got distracted and sentimental... birthday party, I was talking about her birthday party!

Her bedtime prayer summed up the day: "Thank you for the goodest day ever!"

It sure was the goodest party day ever. Until next year, baby girl - I promise.

Logistics - check!

We had the kids again this weekend - well, for an extended weekend. We had them for 5 days this time. It was nice to see them again! We picked up right where we left off - in fact, it was much better this time. I guess we've gotten used to each other just a bit. Things were a little more familiar than the first visit we had together. For all of us.

Managing 4 kids was actually pretty easy. Joe joked that we had to play zone defense instead of man-to-man. I am honestly surprised how easy it was - dare I say it: it felt natural and quite normal. Neither of us felt overwhelmed.

Yes, there are still some kinks that need to be worked out. Yes, we still need more time to be sure. And yes, nothing is a done deal - on either side. But logistically, this is definitely doable.

We are thankful for the time we had together. And we are thankful that things are becoming a bit clearer.

The mom has already agreed to another visit next week. We'll see if that actually happens. I was expecting her to disappear again. But she told the social worker she is interested in moving forward. We shall see.

More time together would definitely be a good thing. That could offer more clarity. And seeing clearly when making life-changing decisions is a good thing. A very good thing.

And so we still move forward in faith... not knowing what tomorrow holds, but knowing the Holder of tomorrow.

I honestly can't wait to see where this is all going. There has already been so many blessings along the way. Regardless of what the end result is - we have already seen some purpose in this journey.

Sometimes it's not about where you're going, but how you get there....