I wasn't going to blog about it, but I think I will....

One of the things about having a blog is I don't know who is reading it. But I do know that it is nice to have; I can go back and read what has happened in our lives. The cute things the kids have said, the way I was feeling about something.... It's my journal I've meant to have all these years. So if anyone is reading, then you are lucky enough to have an inside scoop on my feelings. ha.

That being said, I really want to journal my feelings about what we are currently going through. BUT - I feel a sensitivity to our privacy. On the other hand, I feel a need to "let it all out!" So the screaming side of me wins :)

If you know us, you know that we love to be parents and would welcome more children into our family. Luke has been home for 4 years; Emma has been home for 3. For most of those 3 years we have wondered where in the world to go for Child #3. Believe me, we have researched and researched. Guatemala is closed. Russia is obviously dear to our hearts but we couldn't be in country for a month with our 2 at home - or with us there. China is taking 4+ years. No matter where we look, it just seems like there isn't a good fit for our family.

So back in February, we redid our homestudy and decided we'd submit our family profile for a domestic adoption - just to see what happened. Our social worker encouraged us to continue to look into other options as well, because a domestic adoption is not a question of 'when', but a question of 'if'. When we adopted internationally, we knew it would happen - eventually. Domestic adoption is completly different. The birthmother chooses the adoptive family. So we might never get chosen. But we couldn't find an international option, so we wanted to see what would happen domestically.

So we didn't tell anybody we were pursuing domestic adoption because - well, because it might never happen.

Except it almost happened.

We got a call 11 days ago (not that I am counting) that we had been chosen! A birthmother had chosen us to adopt her baby. BUT - she was only 80% sure she wanted to give the baby up.

So we were asked if we would walk this journey with her, that we would help her make the best decision for this baby.

That was a fair request; so we took a faith step forward.

The adoption agency encourages us to meet the birthmother, they say it is good for both sides. They wanted to set up a meeting time. So we were very flexible in the amount of dates we gave them. They called the birthmother to check dates with her. No answer. No return call. They assured me this was normal and that we would be meeting soon.

And so we prayed. We prayed that if she would change her mind that she would do it now, before we met her - or worse yet! - after the baby was born and was in our care. We prayed for the baby, for the birthmother... And we waited. And we let our thoughts get ahead of ourselves. A baby! Here in this house! Soon!

Finally, the call came. The birthmother just isn't sure she can go through with her adoption plan. I get that. I really do. I can't imagine giving up a baby. And so the agency doesn't want us to meet. They want her to be sure. I do too. I don't want her to regret any decision she makes.

So we are back to square one.... which is waiting for a birthmother to pick us.

You know, in life there are always questions. Especially - why? It makes no sense to me that Joe and I would love to have more kids. And yet, that dream is so difficult. It makes no sense to me that there are women who get pregnant who don't want to be and seriously consider giving that child up for adoption - and often do.

I heard an interesting comment the other day. Someone said, "God is so good, there is always a way out of your situation." It wasn't in regards to our situation, but it is applicable, isn't it? Our need for a way out is to adopt since biology didn't work in our favor. A birthmother's way out is finding adoptive parents. Very interesting that God can use such hurtful and confusing situations - on both sides - for good. Wow.

When I stop and think about that, I guess the why doesn't matter - nor will I ever understand why anyway. But I do understand that God has a plan. No matter what. And His plans are always good. And so we trust Him. In Him alone.

I know faith is about taking a step even when you don't know where the step is going to take you. Just letting go and trusting God. But it is SO HARD not having any control in this situation!

And so I've been doing alot of praying and thinking. Like non-stop. While it's been since February, obviously it has been more real lately. I tend to get a little obsessed with my thoughts at times and I can't focus on other things... So the other day I had to do a 180 with my thoughts. I started thinking about remodeling the kitchen - something we have never talked about or even thought of!! Yes, I have a hard time dealing with emotional things.... ;)

And so we walk with faith. One step at a time. The good news is - we know from our past adoptions that God isn't going to give our child to anyone else - and we know that He will not give us a child that isn't meant to be in our family. For that we are thankful.

If you think of us, will you please pray? We need so much prayer... for God's will to be done; for the right baby to join our family; for our birthmother to find our agency; and for us - that somehow (no matter what the outcome, whether we eventually get chosen again - or not) that God would use our journey as a witness to Him.

And so we wait.... patiently - or not! :)

As a side note - I am SO glad we did international adoption first. As I mentioned, with international adoption, it is a question of "when", not "if". This "if" stuff is really hard! But at least my arms aren't empty as I'm waiting on "if"....

We'll see what God has in store for our family!

Luke laid down the law - but then forgot it

On the second day of school, Luke woke up and informed me that he was NOT going to wear church clothes to school any more. "From now on," he declared, "I will wear boy clothes!"

(In his mind, church clothes are plaid shorts and/or polo shirts.)

So on Friday, he wore jean shorts and a TShirt. I told him that I have seen some of his friends wearing plaid shorts with TShirts and they look nice. I reminded him how important it is to always look your best, how your clothes may affect your attitude, etc. He'd have none of that.

So this morning - Day 3 of school - he woke up and couldn't decide between a Tshirt and tan shorts or a TShirt and plaid shorts. He looked at them for a while and finally said, "I think I want this outfit today" and picked the plaid shorts.

Minor victory for mom :)

That darn bus takes him every year!

I just put Luke on the bus for the first day of 2nd grade. Boo hoo! I think we are all crying!

Last night, he had a major meltdown. He didn't want to go. He was crying like crazy. I told him that even though I couldn't go with him, God could. So we'd make sure we packed God in his backpack. Plus a few pictures of our family. In case he forgot about us during the day, I guess. ha. But he really treasures those pictures, he says they will help him get through the day :)

Then he woke up crying in the middle of the night, saying he was having nightmares. A big monster grunting, "School, school!"?????? He never did tell me what it was, so I am assuming he had the same dream I did. Of course I am kidding. Maybe :)

As Emma and I were walking back up the driveway, she said, "Mommy, are you okay or are you crying?" I said, "I think I am okay. I am sad, but I'll be okay." She said, "Me too. I feel like crying because I'm sad but I won't if you won't."

So we got some standard photos. Holding the wall up, cheesing outside the front door.





We had some "mood distractions" this morning. You know, if you're being silly then you can't cry. After all, being silly is much more acceptable for a 2nd grader to do than to cry, right??





With the dogs... oh yeah, they distract too. Come here, dogs! Smile!





Come on, mom! How many pictures do you want? This is getting to be hard work.



Oh yeah, how about this new backpack? Pretty snazzy, huh? (He thought I could see it.)



Maybe second grade won't be so bad after all. At least mom won't be there to take my picture all day! Oh whew, there's the bus!




Love you, buddy! You'll do great in 2nd grade!!!

Questions from a 4 year old

I had the kids in Kohl's the other day. I was trying to find some clearance shoes. (We did!) We got sidetracked in the kids' clothing section for a few minutes. I like to buy ahead for next year - but they were pretty much sold out of my kids' sizes. Emma kept saying, "Oooo mommy, look at this dress." "Wow, mommy, wouldn't I look pretty in this shirt?"

We could've been there all day if I looked at everything she was picking out. So instead, I said, "Let's go" and I started to walk away.

"Come ON, Emma!" Luke coaxed, "Mommy is leaving! Come on!!" He was getting nervous that I would actually leave. Emma could care less and was in her glory looking at all the clothes.

Finally, I hear, "MOMMY! Wook! (w's for l's) I MUST have this because I need it SO BAD. Will you PLEASE buy it for me?"

I turn around to see her holding up two training bras.

Tonight during dinner Emma was sitting next to me. She said, "Excuse me, Amy." I said, "WHAT?!?" Seriously? Did she just call me Amy?

She said, "Amy, are you the mommy who adopted me?"
I said, "Yes....", wondering where this is going, still baffled that my name is now Amy.
She said, "Oh okay, I was just checking in case I forgot."

How do you prepare yourself for these kind of questions?!?!? :)

Question

I have a question. If you are a mom and you are reading this, you have an answer :)

Am I the only one who's in Crazy Town?!?!? I honestly cannot make a coherent thought, I can't remember what I'm doing when I'm walking into a room, and I have no idea where I put ______. (Fill in the blank!) Not to mention all those good intentions on my to-do list that get forgotten day after day.

Or is it Time Warp City? How is it August already? It's almost dinner time. Didn't we just eat breakfast???

Or maybe I'm speaking a new langugage. It's called Mommyish. Do you find yourself asking grown-ups if they have to go potty?

Some days I get lost in Exhuation Junction. I have such great plans after the kids go to bed - but then all I can do is collapse on the couch as I turn on those mindless TV shows. The laundry just won't do itself.

Is this all because I am now (ahem) late 30's... or is this what having kids does to your brain?!?!?

I need some coffee. Or a margarita :)

Wanna join me?

Our little getaway

We look good Amish, don't you think?

We had a great time on our little getaway. The shows were fantastic. I mean seriously fantastic. If you ever have a chance to go to Lancaster, I highly recommend going to Sight and Sound Theater. Wow. Just wow. It wasn't our first time there, but they wow us every time.

I don't know how to get the link in here directly but go to www.sight-sound.com to check it out.

The kids did really well in the car. I always dread car trips - but they didn't even give me a headache this time. ha. I had a lot to keep them occupied - plus the DVD player. How did our parents ever do roadtrips without one???



We kept ourselves busy doing touristy things but also found some time just to relax by the pool. Five minutes after getting there, the kids were swimming in the pool while I had a margarita pool-side. It doesn't get much better than that. Well, except there weren't any palm trees!

We don't get many family photos so we really tried this time. Not too bad! At least no one is picking their noses or poking someone in the ear. I really wonder what the trick is, though, to get everyone to smile - and look - at the same time???







No vacation is complete without ice cream! There was a gorgeous Amish teenage? early-20's? girl working at this ice cream place. I can only imagine how beautiful she'd be if she wore makeup and American clothes. (Not that makeup and clothes make a person, but you know what I am saying....) Usually it is hard to see their faces under their hats but she really was striking.



We saw both Psalms of David and Joseph. Psalms of David was more like a dancing / music show and they had these ribbon things. Luke LOVED them and had to buy one at the souvenir shop. Please don't tell him they're for girls - he has no clue!! I can't get away with this kind of innocent stuff much longer, I'm afraid :(



We also went to a farm. It is still a working farm (didn't see that part) but they have transformed a lot of the fields to a play area. It was really fun! Can you see our faces on the slide? Too funny!











What a great memories.

Random Ramblings

August. How is it August already? I can't understand how February goes by so slowly and the summer flies by!

Luke is already worried about going back to school. I think he misses it, I really do. But a new school year brings new apprehensions. He is also concerned that he will be away from me for so long and that he'll miss me. I'll miss him too :(

Emma is getting excited about preschool. I think she could skip preschool, kindergarten, and probably first grade and head straight to second grade with Luke. It is hard watching Luke struggle academically while Emma so easily picks things up.

Emma's room still isn't done. I couldn't find a duvet cover that I liked so I decided to make one. I practiced on the pillow sham and it turned out okay. Just don't look too closely. ha. But then I got nervous about the duvet because it is so much bigger! And so the fabric has just sat on her dresser, waiting to be used and my sewing machine sits on the floor because I don't want to put it away since I'll be using it "soon".... One of these days I'll get the courage to attempt it.

Luke is loving hockey. He plays on the driveway every day and is still playing organized Deck Hockey too. He is getting better but still has no clue about the rules of the game. He has no idea what icing means or why you get a penalty. He knows how to play his position - but doesn't really think out of the box yet. But he's getting tough :)

We're going on "vacation" soon. We'll only be gone for 4 days but the kids are excited. Our real vacation was in March when my brother got married in Miami. But a summer isn't a summer without a vacation. So we decided to go to Amish Country for a few days. The best thing about Amish Country is it is commercialized. ha. We are staying in a resort with a pool (that's all the kids care about, really!), we'll see a couple shows (They're amazing! - The Bible comes to life on stage, very cool!), and go to an amusement park. Now that's Amish Country the way I like it! I suppose we'll see a few horse and buggies and maybe even eat Smorgassboard-style while we're there just because we're going to Amish Country, right?!?!

Football season starts soon so that means I will be a football widow again. Joe has already started practice 2 nights a week, but the full-blown football practices will be sooner than I'd like. Although there have been some days this summer when I wish he had football..... ;) It's just feast or famine. He is here with us all summer and then disappears when football and school start. Well, maybe school will start... there is talk of a strike since they haven't settled their contracts yet....

And that is about it around here.... Enough summer ramblings for one day.... I like this blogging thing - it is an excuse to talk to myself. ha. Is anyone listening?!?!? ha ha ha.