I wasn't going to blog about it, but I think I will....

One of the things about having a blog is I don't know who is reading it. But I do know that it is nice to have; I can go back and read what has happened in our lives. The cute things the kids have said, the way I was feeling about something.... It's my journal I've meant to have all these years. So if anyone is reading, then you are lucky enough to have an inside scoop on my feelings. ha.

That being said, I really want to journal my feelings about what we are currently going through. BUT - I feel a sensitivity to our privacy. On the other hand, I feel a need to "let it all out!" So the screaming side of me wins :)

If you know us, you know that we love to be parents and would welcome more children into our family. Luke has been home for 4 years; Emma has been home for 3. For most of those 3 years we have wondered where in the world to go for Child #3. Believe me, we have researched and researched. Guatemala is closed. Russia is obviously dear to our hearts but we couldn't be in country for a month with our 2 at home - or with us there. China is taking 4+ years. No matter where we look, it just seems like there isn't a good fit for our family.

So back in February, we redid our homestudy and decided we'd submit our family profile for a domestic adoption - just to see what happened. Our social worker encouraged us to continue to look into other options as well, because a domestic adoption is not a question of 'when', but a question of 'if'. When we adopted internationally, we knew it would happen - eventually. Domestic adoption is completly different. The birthmother chooses the adoptive family. So we might never get chosen. But we couldn't find an international option, so we wanted to see what would happen domestically.

So we didn't tell anybody we were pursuing domestic adoption because - well, because it might never happen.

Except it almost happened.

We got a call 11 days ago (not that I am counting) that we had been chosen! A birthmother had chosen us to adopt her baby. BUT - she was only 80% sure she wanted to give the baby up.

So we were asked if we would walk this journey with her, that we would help her make the best decision for this baby.

That was a fair request; so we took a faith step forward.

The adoption agency encourages us to meet the birthmother, they say it is good for both sides. They wanted to set up a meeting time. So we were very flexible in the amount of dates we gave them. They called the birthmother to check dates with her. No answer. No return call. They assured me this was normal and that we would be meeting soon.

And so we prayed. We prayed that if she would change her mind that she would do it now, before we met her - or worse yet! - after the baby was born and was in our care. We prayed for the baby, for the birthmother... And we waited. And we let our thoughts get ahead of ourselves. A baby! Here in this house! Soon!

Finally, the call came. The birthmother just isn't sure she can go through with her adoption plan. I get that. I really do. I can't imagine giving up a baby. And so the agency doesn't want us to meet. They want her to be sure. I do too. I don't want her to regret any decision she makes.

So we are back to square one.... which is waiting for a birthmother to pick us.

You know, in life there are always questions. Especially - why? It makes no sense to me that Joe and I would love to have more kids. And yet, that dream is so difficult. It makes no sense to me that there are women who get pregnant who don't want to be and seriously consider giving that child up for adoption - and often do.

I heard an interesting comment the other day. Someone said, "God is so good, there is always a way out of your situation." It wasn't in regards to our situation, but it is applicable, isn't it? Our need for a way out is to adopt since biology didn't work in our favor. A birthmother's way out is finding adoptive parents. Very interesting that God can use such hurtful and confusing situations - on both sides - for good. Wow.

When I stop and think about that, I guess the why doesn't matter - nor will I ever understand why anyway. But I do understand that God has a plan. No matter what. And His plans are always good. And so we trust Him. In Him alone.

I know faith is about taking a step even when you don't know where the step is going to take you. Just letting go and trusting God. But it is SO HARD not having any control in this situation!

And so I've been doing alot of praying and thinking. Like non-stop. While it's been since February, obviously it has been more real lately. I tend to get a little obsessed with my thoughts at times and I can't focus on other things... So the other day I had to do a 180 with my thoughts. I started thinking about remodeling the kitchen - something we have never talked about or even thought of!! Yes, I have a hard time dealing with emotional things.... ;)

And so we walk with faith. One step at a time. The good news is - we know from our past adoptions that God isn't going to give our child to anyone else - and we know that He will not give us a child that isn't meant to be in our family. For that we are thankful.

If you think of us, will you please pray? We need so much prayer... for God's will to be done; for the right baby to join our family; for our birthmother to find our agency; and for us - that somehow (no matter what the outcome, whether we eventually get chosen again - or not) that God would use our journey as a witness to Him.

And so we wait.... patiently - or not! :)

As a side note - I am SO glad we did international adoption first. As I mentioned, with international adoption, it is a question of "when", not "if". This "if" stuff is really hard! But at least my arms aren't empty as I'm waiting on "if"....

We'll see what God has in store for our family!