Wednesday, September 28, 2011

The worst words ever - don't you DARE say them!

Luke got off the bus today and said, "Mommy, someone said the S word to me."

Now I learned a long time ago that these things are never what I expect so I stay calm and ask questions.

"They did? What is the S word?"

"You don't know?"


"Oh my gosh, I can't say it. It's so bad!"

"It's okay, honey, we can talk about anything."

"You really want me to say it?"

"Yes, it's okay. Just say it to me."

Emma's ears perk up.

"I can't say it in front of her, she's too little."

"Emma", I say, "Go ahead up to the house."

She pretends to move out of earshot.

"The S word is... it is..... well, actually, it's the C word. Do you know that one?"


"Mommy! I can't believe you don't know this stuff! Okay, mommy, if you're sure, I'll say it. The C word is.... (long pause)... stupid."

"Except stupid starts with S, Luke."

"I don't know why, mommy, but the really bad words don't start with the right letters. Stupid really is the C word."

"Oh...." I say, trying not to bust out laughing. "That is really bad, Luke."

"I know. And do you want to know the S word? It's way worse than the C word."

"Oh my, it is?"

"Yes! The S word is - (long pause again) Ssss.... C-Russ."


"Yep. C-Russ."

"What does that mean?"

"Mommy! I can't believe you don't know all these bad words. C-Russ means you don't love God. That's the really really bad word, mommy! You don't EVER want to say that one. Do you want to know another bad word?"

He is having way too much fun teaching me all these things and his face is now radiating pure excitement.


"Oooooo.... I don't know if I can say it. It's the really really REALLY bad one."

"You can tell me anything, Luke."

"It's the W word, mommy. Do you know the W word?"

"No, what's the W word?"

"The W word is chicken. It means your hips are really wide and your butt rips apart."

He lets out a big sigh. "Oh man, mommy! I sure am glad Emma didn't hear all that, whew! She is MUCH too young to know all that." And he walks in the house, quite proud of his vocabulary.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

It's all downhill from here

Emma came home from school and said, "Mommy, I think I have a little crush on Ben."

"Oh! Tell me about it", I said.

"NO!!! Mommy! Stop it!! You're embarrassing me!" and she ran into the living room, away from me. She would've kept running if there wasn't a wall I think. Instead she plopped down on the couch.

I was left standing in the kitchen, all by myself.

Because there's nothing like embarrassing a 5 year old in her own home with no witnesses. Just ask the 5 year old with a crush.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Stay-at-home-mom? Yeah, right!

I have technically been a stay-at-home-mom for some time. Even while I was working, I stayed home 99% of the time and worked 1% of the time. That probably explains why I didn't make the minimum production requirements at my old job. Whoops!

But Joe and I decided a long time ago that I would stay home if we had kids. I was 100% commission in my old job, so any money that I made was "fun money" - we always budgeted just on Joe's salary. Joe doesn't make a ton of money - he is just a school teacher. But he is a school teacher on the top of the salary scale already (how is it possible he's been teaching for 19 years already?!?! WHAT?!!), and considering I was a financial advisor.... well, we make it work.

I lost my job not even a year ago. But the timing was all messed up. I trudged through all those years of being a 1% worker but lost it right before Emma started kindergarten. What can I say - my timing is always perfect. ha.

Emma is only half day kindergarten this year. But many people are already asking me, "So what do you do with all your free time?" and "What will you do next year when Emma is in school all day?"

Before kindergarten started, I really wasn't sure. Now that we are a month into school, I am realizing that 'stay-at-home-mom' is a myth. A dirty, evil MYTH!

Where are my bon-bons and soap operas? Aren't I entitled to those?!?!?

I am RARELY home. Lately, it seems like I am never home.

I've gotten involved in the PTO. Oh boy. They keep me busy.

I'm going to be volunteering in both Luke and Emma's classrooms. Kind of like a teacher's aide - for Luke's class, I will run copies and do bulletin boards, etc. For Emma's class, I will actually be IN the class just like a teacher's aide, hands-on with the kids.

I've gotten involved with volunteer things at the church. Chair of one board, member of another. Co-leader of a ministry. I've got big ideas that somehow got approved - and now I've got a boatload of work to do. This is good, though... I get to use my mind again! Yahooey!!

Hockey. Soccer. Joe's football. (He's a coach.) Emma is trying cheerleading.

I babysit the neighbor boy every Thursday.

Running to the schoool for PTO stuff. Target. The grocery store. Going to Walmart - and then SWEARING I'll NEVER go there again.

When I am home: dishes. I swear, the dishes overtake me. Laundry. I'm buried in it. Dog hair. Let's just say it's disgusting if I don't sweep every day.

Homework. School parties. Birthday parties.

Trying to spend time with the family. Riding bikes, playing games, having dance parties. All that memory building stuff. Funny, I don't remember one thing about my mom doing laundry or dishes... I know she did them - but I just don't remember that...

Getting the kids on the bus. Getting the kids off the bus. Making breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Cleaning up after breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

Oh yeah. I'm a wife too.

And lately, I've been a stink bug and spider catcher. Those goofy things want to be somewhere warm for winter I guess. But seriously, do they have to pick my house?? I swear there is an open invitation to all their friends to bombard our dining room.

I'd love to be a *real* stay-at-home-mom right about now. I have big things on my to-do list that are - well, still there:

Steaming the carpets.
Cleaning the windows.
Getting totally caught up on laundry.
Getting the laundry basket out of the family room.
Fixing the dining room chandelier.
Going through the mismatched toys to find out what goes where.
Fixing broken toys.
Getting all the dust off of the bathroom fan.
Eating bon-bons.
Watching soaps.

A girl can dream.....

Monday, September 19, 2011

I don't wear underwear

I took Luke shopping the other day to pick up a few clothes. Shopping with a boy is what I would imagine putting a diaper on a pig might be like. Clothes shopping with a boy - well, there really are no words to describe it.

He was picky about some of the shirts he wanted - or didn't want. But he also wanted to hurry and get himself out of the miserable-ness of it all.

"Can we go now?"
"Almost, you need underwear."
"Underwear?" he asks, almost mortified that his mother just said the word underwear.
"Yes, underwear. Please come over here and pick some out."

After carefully surveying the store to make sure there was no one within several miles that he might know, he went to the underwear aisle. With his mom.

Luke is at a funny stage. He's 8. Some of his underwear still have superheroes and Star Wars on them. But he is 8. He *might* be too old for that stuff. Maybe. He looks at the ones with pictures on them. Puts them back. Picks them up again. Puts them back. Finds some gray and black ones that are boxer briefs. He has never seen anything like that before.

"These are cool. I guess." and he puts them in the cart. Hides them actually, under other things I have in there. Thankfully we were at Target and we had the opportunity to have a cart - I shudder to think if his mom actually had to carry his underwear through the store. ha.

A few days later, we are in the car and the neighbor is with us. The neighbor GIRL. I hear him say, "Guess what? I don't wear underwear anymore."

"Luke!" I say as I almost wreck.

"I don't!" he answers me and a little quieter tells her, "Now I wear underwear pants!"

I guess this whole privacy thing is overrated anyway. Not to mention that they are technically underwear shorts, not pants. ha.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Just for kicks

Emma had her first soccer game today. She loved it! She ran around the field with this HUGE smile on her face the whole time. It was too cute. She even got her foot on the ball a few times.

I didn't get any pictures because it was pouring down rain. Which of course made it even more fun for the kids!

This was a tough decision for Emma. The rule around here is that the kids can pick one thing to do at a time. She really weighed her options for some time and had it narrowed down to soccer or gymnastics.

I'm glad she picked soccer after seeing that smile on her face today!

I feel like there should be a punchline here: Soccer shoes - $$, smile - priceless.

But.... the shoes were free so I can't even make that comment. Of course there is a story though....

On Thursdays, the soccer association has a skills session that is open to all players. So of course we wait until Thursday morning to get Emma's soccer shoes. We go to the sporting goods store, she tries on a pair that are one size too big, but says they are comfy and she runs around the store to prove her point. She picks out pink soccer socks and we are good to go.

They get off the bus Thursday afternoon. The neighbor boy gets off the bus here with them on Thursdays. So they were busy playing with him.

It was getting late and his parents weren't here yet so I was trying to get my kids ready to go to soccer practice. I ask them if they want to eat dinner before soccer or after soccer. They both quickly say, "After!" and continue playing with the neighbor.

I call Emma back and tell her to get her soccer stuff. She *got* it - and then dumped it in the living room. I said - a little louder this time - "Get your soccer stuff ON!"

She gets a snack instead. I say, "Emma, get it ON! You wanted to eat after soccer, it's almost time to go! You don't have time to eat now!"

In the meantime, the neighbor comes to pick up her son. As she is there, Luke is making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and Emma is eating yogurt.

She leaves. "IT IS TIME TO GO! GET YOUR SOCCER STUFF ON RIGHT NOW EMMA!" screams some crazy lady who looks and sounds just like me.

She tries, but then says, "I can't get it on!"

"Get over here!" I say - admittedly a little too loud, I mean perhaps I was trying to talk to the neighbor who just left and is now 2 doors down??

I help her get the stuff on. At least I *tried* to help.

Well, let me tell you, soccer stuff is hard to get on. I put the shin guards on but when I tried to pull the pink socks up over the shin guards the shin guards would go up over her knees. And I had very little patience left at this point so I was *really* struggling with this stupid soccer equipment.

Not to mention I'm trying to have a persuasive political speech with a 5 year old about how important it is to get to soccer on time and soccer is starting in 2 minutes and we are at least 5 minutes away and we are never going to make it on time and why were you eating a yogurt when you should've been getting your soccer equipment on??!!

I finally get those goofy shin guards and socks on and it's time for the shoes.

"OW!" Emma squirms. "Those shoes hurt my feet!"

"Emma, these are the shoes you just bought today, knock it off. Put your shoes on!"

"I can't!"

Here we go again.

"Let me do it, for crying out loud!"

"OW! They hurt my feet!"

It is then that I realize the stupid soccer socks are thicker than the socks she had on at the store this morning.


"Luke, go in the garage and get your old soccer shoes."

Luke goes to the garage for a split second - and I mean, he's lucky if it was even a split - "I can't find my old soccer shoes."

"Luke, they are there, your sister has on your old shin guards which she just got out of the garage and were next to the shoes. GET ME THE SHOES!"

The shoes magically appear from the garage, landing in his hands.

I look at them. They are a size 1. Emma's shoes that are too small are an 11. A 1 will never fit. So being the sane, totally in control mother that I am at this very moment, I throw the shoes.

Now before you call CYS on me, I didn't throw them *at* anyone. I actually threw them down the steps toward the garage.


"Where are we going?"

"Soccer practice!"

"But I have no shoes!" Little Miss says between sobs.

"Emma, you are already 5 minutes late to soccer, but we are going to get you new shoes at the store and you WILL go to soccer practice!"

"But what do I wear now?"

"I don't care, get something on those feet and LET'S GO!"

She grabs flip flops. You know this is going to get even worse.

I call the store while in the car on the way there. "Hello, can I help you?"

"I bought soccer shoes for my daughter today and they are too small. They are XYZ brand, black and pink, and I need a size 12. She is already late for practice, so could you please have those at the front of the store, I will be there in 2 minutes."

"Please hold for the shoe department."

"They're not in the shoe department, they are in the soccer department."

"Sorry, ma'am, please hold for the soccer department."

"Hello, shoe department, can I help you?"

Seriously?!?!? I tell him my story. "Sorry, ma'am, I can't help you, please hold for the soccer department."

On hold I go. Again. Nice elevator music, really. But I'm in your darn parking lot now already! I hang up the phone and grab the kids out of the van.

While in the van, my very late soccer girl has taken off her soccer socks and shinguards to get her flip flops on. I FLIPPED!

Now I am trying to have a political persuasion speech with a 5 year old about how important it is to get to soccer on time and soccer started 10 minutes ago and we are at least 5 minutes away and we are never going to make it on time and why were you taking your soccer equipment off when you should've kept it on because it is so hard to get on??!!

IN THE SPORTING GOODS STORE! And let's just say I was not in the mother-of-the-year-tone-of-voice either. I know people are staring me down but I am on a mission to find these %@#&*! shoes!

We march to the soccer department. They have no 12's. Of course they don't. So we hustle to the front of the store. I apologize to the 18 year old cashier and tell her, "I know this is not your fault but I am really mad because these soccer shoes don't fit even though they fit this morning and now I have to return them and you don't have a bigger size and she is already 10 minutes late for practice and I don't know what I'm going to do now! Grrrrrrrr!"

Yes, I think I actually growled at her.

She half way smiles and says, "Then you'd like to return these then?"

Yes. Please. Take me out of my misery, cute little 18 year old cashier girl.

Emma starts to cry. "But I have no soccer shoes! How can I go to practice?"

"OH, we are GOING! You have never played before, you will sit there and watch and learn so you know how to PLAY SOCCER!"

So we get there. Finally. There are literally no less than one million 5 year olds running around on the field. And one coach. God bless that coach, I am telling you what. We sit down to watch.

"Hey!" Emma says, "There's Alex playing soccer over there on that field!" Swoon. Swoon. Alex is the love of her life who is 8 and plays on Luke's hockey team.


Now the soccer moms are looking at me the same way the people were in the sporting goods store. Oh. Good. Grief. People! Have you never had one of those days??

So we watch the less than 30 minutes that are left in practice and head home for dinner. Joe gets home from football practice a few minutes after we get home. We sit down to the family dinner I had made ahead of time. Of course it doesn't heat up well and tastes like crap. Of course it does.

Later I tell Joe that I am done with these soccer shoes and he's going to have to take her shopping at the other sporting goods store in town. He says, "Hey Luke, go get your old soccer shoes." "They're too big" I tell him, being the know-it-all that I am.

Luke gets the soccer shoes. "Come here, Emma" Joe says calmly. He puts them on.

They fit. Emma says, "Ooooo! They feel so good!" and she runs around the dining room table.

Of course they do.

Of course.

And we all lived happily ever after and Emma had a smile on her face the entire time she played soccer and the shoes fit perfectly and didn't even fall off in the rain.

Oh yeah - and I had a glass of wine and lived happily ever after too. :)

Note to self: Soccer shoes run small. Very very small.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

3 in a Row!

Luke had his first hockey game of the fall session tonight. This is his 6th session of deck hockey. The sessions last about 12 weeks or so and there is one in the spring, one in the summer, and one in the fall.

He loves hockey. It's all he wants to do. He even has mini hockey nets set up in the family room and will play hockey - by himself - for hours. Then he'll go outside and play on the driveway with his big hockey net for a few more hours.

When he grows up he wants to be better than Sidney Crosby. He doesn't realize that means he needs to get out of his tennis shoes and into ice skates. I'm not breaking that news to him since I've heard ice hockey runs $1,000 a session!

But he is doing really well - if I do say so myself. He seems to be a natural. And tonight he scored his first hat trick!

Way to go, baby!

Of course it's not about *just* scoring goals - but it sure is fun when you do ;)
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