Six weeks ago, we took the kids we fostered back to the adoption agency. On one hand, it seems like a lifetime ago. On the other hand, it's hard to believe it has been 6 weeks already.
I still think about them. A lot. Mainly, I wonder if we did the right thing. I keep telling myself that we did. Joe keeps assuring me that we did. Emma said to me not too long ago, "Mommy, can I tell you something? Don't get mad. I didn't like her. At all. I'm glad she's gone." Luke hasn't asked about them. I have barely talked with our social worker about them. Not too many people have asked how we're doing. Our family has ignored the subject altogether.
It's almost like someone got a big giant eraser and just got rid of the whole situation.
But then my memories remind me that it really did happen.
There really were 2 kids here. Two kids who had no hope and no future in their situation. They came here hopeful to find that future. We accepted them, hopeful to find our future as well.
Then all those dreams came crashing down when we realized it wasn't going to work out. It just couldn't work out.
I push the rewind and play buttons a lot in my mind. I go over and over the situation. Sometimes I replay the good times. Sometimes I replay the bad times. Sometimes I think about how we felt. Sometimes I think about how the kids must've felt. Sometimes I just think about their little faces.
I find myself wondering if things could've been different. Were things meant to be different??? Did we give up too soon? Or was this fully orchestrated by God - every last detail from beginning to end - and we played the part we were supposed to play in these kids' lives?
I am really struggling.
Regret is a terrible thing to feel. Not being sure of something is unsettling. Sometimes feeling like a very real situation in our lives never even happened is unnerving.
But when I stop - really stop - I sense peace. I really do. And then I feel guilty about that. Will they have the luxury of that peace too? Will they get that hope and future they so desperately deserve?
The last I heard, they were back with their mom. She was considering placing them with another family, but was having a hard time transtioning her thoughts to a new family. I have no idea if they are still with her or are with a new family. I'm trying not to preoccupy my time with wondering where they are. But it's hard not to wonder... It's hard not to worry....
Life twists and turns and takes me to places I'd never expect to go. If I hadn't gone to the college I went to, I never would've met Joe. If we had gotten pregnant, we never would've adopted Luke and Emma. If we hadn't met these 2 children, I never would've prayed for them.
I guess I don't give prayer enough credit. Admittedly, sometimes I think of it as a last resort.
Perhaps in this case, it will be the only resort. To pray for them - and to settle me. What more could I ask for right now than prayer? Nothing. I can think of nothing better.
And so I will continue to pray. And trust. And have faith. Even when I don't have any understanding of what happened in my erased past.