There have been many times in my life when I feel out of control. This is one of those times. I kid myself to think that I am actually in control - ever! - of my life. I mean, really. If I claim Christ as my Savior and I've given my life to Him, isn't He now in control of my life? Yes. But.... that sinful human nature of wanting to be in charge is still there.
And so I control what time my kids go to bed. I control what they eat for breakfast. I control when the house gets cleaned, how the money gets spent. Where we go on vacation.
Of course there are things I can't control. But that doesn't stop me from bellyaching about these things in an "if I controlled the world" kind of way. All the rain we've been getting. Gas prices. World peace. (Or lack thereof.)
And then sometimes there is a real potential life-changing zinger that gets thrown my way and I'm just left feeling completely out of control.
It happened all those years ago when we wanted to start a family and couldn't. The world started to spin uncontrollably as we watched every one else in the world have babies. I was the only one in the world barely hanging on by the tips of my fingernails as everyone else went along their merry way diapering their newborns.
We had a momentary derailment in Russia while we were adopting Luke. Before we met Luke, we had met another child who we knew was not meant to be our child. All the white coats in the orphanage knew it too - but they just talked a lot of Russian words we didn't understand as they looked at us pitifully. Although we again felt like we were barely hanging on - God resolved that situation quite quickly and the rest is history....
When Emma was 15 months old, she got sick. Really sick. When we were in the ER and I heard them say, "The life flight is not available, we've called an ambulance to transfer her" I thought I was going to have a heart attack right there. I couldn't breathe. Again, I was barely holding on.
The good news is - when I can barely hold on, I am thankful to know that the Holder of Tomorrow IS holding on. Holding onto tomorrow - but more importantly, holding onto us.
I am so, so thankful for Jesus!
I am once again at a point in my life when I am way out of control. We have been working on a potential adoption situation for 4 months now. I am fondly calling it my revolving door. It is the strangest situation. One that I never would've thought of, dreamed of, asked for.
At times it looks like the adoption is going to work out. As quickly as we think that, it looks like it won't work out. I give up hope that it will, and then a spark of hope reignites that it might.
Round and round we go. And then around again.
I often wish I could have a glimpse of the future. But if God would've told me this ahead of time - I probably wouldn't have chosen this route. But He did choose this for us. And miraculously, we are walking with faith steps. Not having a clue where we are going. But not being scared, because although we don't have a clue where we are going to end up - He does. And we definitely trust Him.
Sometimes God calls us to walk a road that is windy and doesn't make sense. And the end of that road might not be what we ever expected or imagined. Yet He promises to bless our socks off if we follow Him.
And so we follow. Wherever this journey ends up, I believe with all my heart that we are meant to be on this journey right now. Even if it means the adoption doesn't work out, it means He was working *something* out. And He used us to do so.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." - Hebrews 11:1
Times like these I can live those words. I hope that I am.