I've really been feeling a lot of guilt the past few days. I've been thinking about the kids a lot.... I'm wondering if we could've made it work....
I'm remembering the glimpses of sanity we had while the kids were here and I'm expanding on those in my mind. How long would the transition have taken? Would things have been normal? Good even? We all really liked the idea of it all, could we have turned that idea into reality?
For awhile I was feeling guilt about what would happen to them. Where would they end up? Would they be okay?
But now that guilt is turned onto - me. Did we give up too soon? Did we take the easy road? Did we show the 4 year old that she really can't trust adults and no one is really there for her??? Did we show Luke and Emma that when the going gets tough, you just walk away???
I was looking at pictures I took. There really were some pictures where there was pure joy on all 4 kids' faces. Did we give up all that future joy?? Did we allow a few days of hell to distract us from what was meant to be?
I look at Luke. I see a "success story" with him. I can't imagine our lives without him. I saw a lot of similarities between him and the little girl. Granted, he was NEVER violent towards anyone. Yes, he was an angry, confused child when we first adopted him. But he never hurt anyone. Could she have gotten past her anger and confusion too?
Emma had a terrible behavior day today. When she and I were talking about the importance of making good decisions, she said, "So when she comes back again I can show her what it's like to make good decisions?" I reminded Emma that she's not coming back. She looked surprised. We've only been through this how many times. She said, "Why couldn't we have just taken care of them, mommy?"
Oh. Good. Grief. GUILT.
Life would be great without regrets. But with life, you just don't know what could've been. I'm not sure I can say I regret our decision - I still think we made the right decision for everyone involved.
I'm 99% sure of that.
But there is that 1% that is kind of haunting me right now. Ugh.