Tuesday, July 12, 2011

It's been a week and a half...

It's hard to believe the kids were here just a week and a half ago. It seems much longer ago. The last 11 days have been really long. I've been thinking a LOT. I've been praying a LOT. And I've been confused. A LOT.

I know we made the right decision for our family. I know that. But a part of me can't help but wonder, "What if..."

The past 6 months we have been preparing ourselves that these kids could be a part of our family. It was a long - and CRAZY! - road. But we moved forward in faith, despite all the craziness encountered. I was always afraid that we may not see them again. I thought their mom would change her mind.

I never thought we would.

If I hadn't lived through it myself, I never would've understood it. Never. Not much of this journey makes sense. Why did the mom go to our adoption agency and pick us? Why did all 4 kids have a supernatural bond the first time they met? Why did we continue to pursue the adoption if it wasn't meant to happen? Why did the mom disappear - and come back! - so many times if it wasn't meant to be? Why did things always feel so natural when we were all together - until this last time? Why did I have dreams that it did work out - and then have dreams that it didn't?

Why? Why? Why?

I am an anayltical person by nature. I am constantly asking why and trying to figure things out. This has thrown me for a loop. I just don't get it.

All along, we have said we didn't know if we were being called for a moment or a lifetime with these kids. Obviously, we were meant for a moment. We can only hope that this moment wasn't wasted.

I do believe with all of my heart that we WERE called for this moment. I don't know why. But I trust that God does. It's driving me nuts that I don't get it. But that's part of faith. Trusting even when things don't make sense.

And while I question if this moment was wasted, deep down in my heart I know it wasn't. We serve a God that knows what He's doing. No doubt.

I've been all over the map emotionally. I've been grateful that God directed us so clearly. I'm thankful that Joe never waivered in his decision and was able to stand firm to protect our family. I've been sad, glad, regretful, hopeful, guilt-ridden, unashamed, emotionally drained and emotionally lifted - sometimes all at one time.

Having adopted twice before, we "just knew" that Luke and Emma were meant to be our children. We didn't feel that way with these kids. Yes, we loved them. Yes, we cared for them. Yes, we opened our hearts, our family, and our future to them.

But once we spent all those days together, we realized we felt more like babysitters than parents. And quite frankly, we don't want to babysit for the rest of our lives - we want to be parents.

Quite often in my life, things don't turn out the way I expected or imagined. So many times throughout this journey, we were thrown twists and turns. I can't say that anything over the last 6 months would've been what I expected or imagined. And certainly, this isn't the ending I was expecting.

But God promises that despite circumstances, He works for the good of those who love Him. I believe that. I know that. And I trust that.

And for that, I am grateful.

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