After months of silence, I finally talked to our social worker today. I asked if the kids we fostered had found a new home or if they were with their mom.
They are with their mom.
Because of confidentiality, she couldn't tell me a lot of details. But she did say that after we decided not to adopt them, a few major things happened to the mom that enabled her to better care for the kids. Our social worker said these things were nothing short of miraculous.
She also told me that she is sure that if we would've said yes to adopting them, that they would still be in our care and not hers. She believes that God redeemed this situation and turned bad into good.
I disagree. I think that God's fingerprints are all over this. Beginning to end. I think He is the one who guided us to say no because He knew the mother was going to say yes.
I still wonder how I could've been so wrong.... I thought I had confirmation that we were going to have 2 children this time around. I honestly thought that confirmation was as plain as day. I still remember how excited - and disappointed - I would be when the mom would show up again - and then disappear again. I remember picturing those kids in our family. I had to, or we never would've pressed forward.
But now when I think - I think that maybe I had to have those feelings in order to bring those kids into our home. I never would've fostered. And I mean never. We have talked over and over again how that would be devastating to our kids (and us) if we fostered and had to give the kids back. How could anyone do that???
Well we did it. And it sucked. But we did it. It was hard before they were here, it was hard while they were here, and it's been hard since they left.
But because we were confident this was a call - we answered. And although it wasn't at all what we were expecting - and something that we said we would never do - we ended up doing it anyway.
It really is amazing how God works.
And so now I can be 100% sure that we really were called for just a short time with these kids. The mom did meet with another family and just couldn't go through with it. She kept the kids.
And so we did our part. We took care of the kids for a short time so she could get her life together in whatever miraculous way.
And, amazingly we have experienced blessings through this as well.
Realizing how blessed we are as a family.
Realizing that even when we tell God "no!" - He is still able to work through our stubborn-ness.
Realizing that God's plans really are better than our own.
Realizing that sometimes it really is good to just stop and smell the roses. Right where I am.
Realizing that endings really are new beginnings.
I'm looking forward to FINALLY moving past all this.