Saturday, September 11, 2010

My emotions runneth over

Well, I have lost track of counting the days. I'm not sure how long it has been since we were first told that a birthmother picked us - and then changed her mind. It seems like it has been an eternity. But I know reality says it has only been a few weeks. What a draining few weeks it has been.

When we first got the call, I was surprised. Then happy. Then cautious. (When I thought she may change her mind.) Then excited! (When I thought of a baby in this house!) Then anxious. (When she wasn't returning the agency's calls.)

Then we got the 2nd call. The bad news call. I was joyful. Seriously joyful. I had seen God work - quickly and deliberately. I had been praying that we would just know one way or the other. Answered prayer! I had been praying that if she would change her mind she would do it beforehand. Answered prayer! I was just so awed at God's quick answer.

I realized contentment. I began to really dote on our kids. I mean REALLY dote. Loving them up and down, kissing them like there is no tomorrow, cuddling like crazy. Saying "I love you" a million times a day. Overboard, really. Because I realized (again!) how blessed we are to have them. God had to orchestrate a LOT for them to be a part of our family. Thank you for these blessings!

But then the sadness came. I had let myself go there. I had pictured a baby in our house. In our family. Things seemed so right. There were too many 'coincidences' that made me think this could be our child. (I don't believe in coincidences - I believe in God-incidences.) I started thinking about our lives with a little one joining us. All that - gone. Within just a few short days. Dreams were shattered. Gone.

Then empathy crept in. I cannot stop thinking about this birthmother. I find myself praying for her all the time. I mean - all the time. I don't know that much about her, but what the agency told us... I just can't imagine what her life must be like. How confused and lost she must be. I've never met her - and yet she has a part of my heart and a ton of my thoughts. Honestly, I am surprised at how much I think about her and pray for her.

Sometimes I feel doubtful. Will we get picked again? We're not spring chickens anymore. I'm sure some birthmothers are young enough to be our daughter. Why would a birthmother want old birds like us to parent a child?

Jealousy. Oh I hate it when jealousy rears its ugly head. Some people want a child and *poof* they get pregnant. Others probably shouldn't have a child - and are yelling and screaming at their dirty barefoot child in Walmart. I hate that I become judgemental like that. I really do. And I find myself fighting this jealousy - after all, we want more kids too, it doesn't seem fair....

I try to shut down my emotions by thinking of something completely unrelated and mindless. In my head, I've remodeled my kitchen, painted the bathroom, and refurnished my family room. Dreamed of a second honeymoon. And thought about eating chocolate for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

But through it all, I have not lost my faith. Not sure if this is a head-heart struggle. But I know - I KNOW! - that God is good. He has plans for our family and He is not going to give our child to anyone else. Nor is He going to give us a child that isn't supposed to be ours. I know that God works in ALL situations and sometimes it isn't even about me. I know God never wastes a hurt. And I realize we're not the only ones involved here.

But I also know that I do feel sad. I do feel let down. I do feel disappointed. My emotions have been raw and all over the place. And my analytical mind wants to know "why?".

But my heart says, "It's okay. Having faith isn't about knowing why. It's about trust." And I do trust God. With every ounce of my being.

And so I guess I'll pick up my emotional pieces and wait to see what God has planned. I'm not sure it will be easy and emotion-free. But I do know that it will be worth it in the end!

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